My nightmares are back. They never really left, they just mellowed out slightly, but last night I had at least 6 full-on, haunt you for years after, nightmares that I can remember. They were all about me dying, in various scenarios, various ways, but all about my death. Its like now I've been told there's a potential I'm going to Have life, my brain is trying to make me scared I'm going to lose it in some freak accident or something. It definitely doesn't think I deserve to live, that is for sure. Its made it abundantly clear that my death is something it wanted. I don't know how to deal with a misbehaving head lately, its not fair, I'm still too conflicted, those good doctors with their good news opened up the flood gates for all of my emotions, or maybe even broke the fucking dam because I cant fix it back up now.
People keep telling me that one of my friends likes me. I'm not sure the word nervous was actually designed for this feeling. Its like dread and curiosity and sadness and happiness and doubt and loathing and mistrust and excitement all in one. I don't know how to react. I don't believe them for one moment, but then, my mind is still doing that 'potentially' thing it does and its scaring me. I cannot understand how its possible. I really hate when people take the piss out of me. I hate when people pretend. People are annoying as fuck. Why would they bully me? Its not nice.
I realise I'm getting pretty repetitive on here but I cant help it, my life is literally just my mind doing the exact same thing over and over and screwing me up more and more. Haha. My life after finding out I have life is going downhill so much. Fuck. Bye my Angels <3
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