I wish I could see me as worthless as you do.

If someone could just make a pill or something to make me not care about anybody, at all, that would be great. I would whore myself out just to pay for that pill if I had to. I am so sick of being the person who cares. I'm sick of people only befriending me because they need help or advice or they want to get with one of my friends. I'm sick of my father thinking all I am is a money-grabbing bitch that should be avoided at all costs. I'm sick of being made to feel worthless because not a single person on this planet looks at me and sees me, they look at me and see something they can gain, something they need, something they should avoid. Or maybe someone could invent something that allows me to see myself how other people see me, that way I wouldn't get so downtrodden every time I once again realise I am worthless to everybody, because I'd already know that. I don't know why it hurts so much, you'd think after 17 years of dealing with being of less worth than a pint of beer it wouldn't hurt any more, or at least it would be a dull kind of pain that's ignorable, but it never has gotten any easier like I was told it would. Now a days I guess its not easier because of the sheer amount of people that discard me like I am nothing. I swear though things have just gotten worse as I have aged, probably because I'm a fucking wimp now and I used to be so strong and hidden away and no one could break me down. I don't know where all my tricks to keep people away from me have gone but I could sure use them back right about now. I am right back down to 0.1, its another night of tear-stained pillows and most likely blood stained tissues. I just wish I had something to offer the world that made me less easy to cast aside but then, wishes never have come true for me so I don't know why I try. Bye my Angels <3

'My eyes make me depressed' THAT'S NOT DEPRESSION.

I know a girl who is pretty sad. I'd feel more sorry for her if she wasn't such an attention seeker though. Like, her whole twitter is full of posts about how depressed she is and how she wants to die which could all be very true, I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just saying that I hate the fact she is attention seeking and trying to make people feel sorry for her. No wonder people always say that people with problems are attention seekers if there are people out there posting everything on twitter and making it seem like a joke. Can stereotypes ever really be overcome if there are people out there reinforcing the stereotypes? What really gets to me though is that most of the things she talks about are how she hates how she looks, "I HATE my eyes, they make me so depressed." That is genuinely a tweet of hers. I just cant even put into words how angry that makes me. I hate the fact people think that depression and just feeling sad are the same things. How many people have to rant over it online before people understand that depression is so much worse than just feeling bad about yourself because you couldn't do your eye liner right that day? If these people that posted how 'depressed' they were over silly things actually understood how god-awful depression really is they'd find a different word to use for their bad feelings. It can't just be me who thinks that tweet is irritating and making light out of something serious, surely? 

 In other news, I think I am finally brave enough to get a nipple piercing. It has been on my to-do list for ages but I've never really thought about doing it because I'd somehow decided that it would be unbearable pain and I was too much of a wimp to deal with that. Now that I've really thought about it though I have realised that I am quite good at dealing with pain. I didn't make that big of a scene when I ripped up my arm when I fell off my bike and it trapped my arm under it whilst I went down the hill, I have punctured my leg and made a hole in the bone and that didn't even bother me that much, it was uncomfortable sure but I could deal with it. I dealt with it when the top of my thigh was burnt by the lighter and I didn't even flinch when my belly button was pierced without anything to numb it and she had to fiddle with that needle because it refused to pierce my skin for a second time. I am actually quite a tough cookie. I don't think I'd ever go alone though, just because I don't want to be alone in a room with someone I don't know with my boob out, more a matter of comfort for my mind than being scared. So now I will just have to find someone to go with me, find a place that does it and find the funds. I've never really been one of those people to have many piercings, I only have my ears pierced once and my belly button pierced but its always been one of those piercings I have fancied having so hopefully I won't chicken out when I'm in the room getting it done. I'm at a 1, not great but not the worst I've ever been. Bye my Angels <3

I miss doing things.

I hate summer holidays. I've been off for about a month now and I still have until September to wait to go back to college. I have nothing to do. I have no job, no proper friends, I've finished my tv programmes and the pollen count is through the roof so I cant even go walking in the hills. I couldn't deal with it when I used to have 6 weeks off in secondary school, now I have like 12 weeks off, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even see my best friend because the lucky bitch is in Sri Lanka. I love my bed dearly but if all I have to do for the remaining 6ish weeks is to never move from it then I'm most likely going to die. I have tidied and re-tidied my room, I have sorted out my things to within an inch of their lives, even my wardrobe is in a different order than it used to be. I should probably have tried to make more friends at college, like, actual friends that don't just put up with me when they have to. I don't even have a tumblr but that's pretty much my only friend right now. That's kind of pathetic isn't it? I haven't been able to cut lately because its been so hot I've had to wear dresses so I didn't boil to death. I can feel it all though, just below my skin, trying to claw its way out or find its way to my heart and kill me. I'm going to have to get rid of it soon but with the weather being so bi-polar I don't know when I'll get round to it. I get to house sit in two weeks. I'm staying at my nan's from monday to wednesday with her because my mother and her boyfriend are swapping the living room and the dining room around and then from thursday to the following monday nans house is mine because she's going to visit her friend. I will maybe have a friend over or something because I get a tad nervous on my own at nights, I blame it on all the shows about murders and stuff I have watched over the years. Its not so much the dark that gets to me, its the little creaks houses make. Those ones that sound like people walking across the halls to get to you. I'll be shit if I ever live alone when I'm older. I think (Fire) is dead or something, well, that could be a tad too dramatic, she probably just doesn't want to talk to me any more because I haven't heard from her in weeks. I'm not complaining really, its nice to be able to think my own thoughts without having them picked apart and decided that they're all to do with my family. No, no they aren't, sometimes, I can want to die without it being because my dad is a twat. There is one bonus of not putting makeup on everyday because I'm leaving the house though, my skin is getting better. Like, I can actually see some actual skin on my face that doesn't have spots on it. Who knows, maybe I won't have to hide my face forever. I'll get new pictures for you guys soon, I haven't found many good ones lately, bare with me. Bye my Angels <3

Motivation through the roof.

From Monday I have a good few weeks in the house on my own during the daytime, I am literally going to be working off every ounce of fat on my body. the last week of the holidays I always go and buy new clothes for the next year and if I am still this fat by then I'm going to just give up on life. Genuinely my motivation lately has just gone sky high. I think I just want to feel comfortable when I go back to college, I just want to feel a bit less...large. Its understandable, completely, anyone reading this would understand me anyway. I know I've only given myself like 8 weeks or so which normal people would deem a ridiculously small amount of time to get into shape properly but I feel I can get into a nice shape in that time with perseverance and a whole lot of hard work. Like, an actual awful lot of really difficult workouts. And of course a lack of eating, my favourite part of any summer is the lack of eating I am allowed to do because I am home alone for most of the time. At the moment my diet really consists of watermelon and ice pops. It is great. I'm hoping I can get through this without having to slice and dice, its getting harder to hide the remains of the razors since I don't leave for college everyday any more, hopefully with a bit of luck I will tire myself out everyday to the point where I don't have the energy to physically pick up the razor and apply the pressure on it to draw blood. Anyway, I hope you are all okay. Bye my Angels <3

The sun is murder.

The sun is killing me, possibly literally. People keep telling me to stop complaining about the nice weather because we rarely have it in England and I should be grateful, but I like the fact there's rarely any sun, that means there's rarely any sun related illness for me. I know it sounds like I'm being a hypochondriac or something but I actually get so ill when the sun is out, when its hot, I get really bad migraines and my stomach churns and my skin gets a really itchy under the surface rash and its awful, its like my normal allergic reactions, but to the sun. Its not even dehydration or anything because I have to drink loads when its hot to stop myself from fainting. I miss the comfortable confines of the clouds, I miss the refreshing rain and the dull days. (I also miss debates about alliteration in my English classes, can you tell?) I applied for a job, volunteering at some local charity shop, I probably won't even be considered which is a shame because I really need something to do until September, I'm sick of being in my house and I cant go out because no friends. Or at least, no friends that want to spend time with me outside of college when they have to so they don't look lonely. I guess I'm just bad company, I prefer meaningful conversation with some depth to it rather than general small talk about a topic no one cares about. But that's not how things are done, that's not how people talk, if only people in the real world were the same as the people in the books I hide myself away in, life would be simpler then. I guess I could go and spend my days in the library if I find nothing else to do, I've been meaning to catch up on my reading of nothing in particular, plus, I need to see if they have the book on psychopaths I want to read. (Also another thing that doesn't exactly make me friend-worthy I guess) I pushed another guy away the other day, he was getting too close and expecting too much from me, it was unacceptable. I wish I could just meet someone who was willing to have fun and no commitment and who didn't push me for answers to questions so they could 'know me better' if I wanted people to know me better I'd tell them things without asking, if you have to ask I'm not going to want to tell you. Why is that so hard to understand? Its a good thing I don't have many people left to push away because its exhausting. I am at a 0.7 which I guess is better than nothing at all but its not great, I wish I could shake this, whatever it is. Bye my Angels <3