My ED is back.

I haven't posted since December because I was scared to admit this fact to myself. I was living in denial, blaming my not eating for days at a time on assignment deadlines and pushing my body to the point of pain on wanting to be healthier. My denial period has now come to an end, I know full well its back, yesterday I ate a slice of toast and felt the compulsion to run to the bathroom and get it back up, that's when it finally clicked in my head that all my odd behaviour surrounding food and exercise had a reason behind it. I think the worst part about it all is that I actually am not bothered by the fact its back, I'd enjoy losing weight, I have my own private space to do it in now I'm at uni and lets face it, I do not want to be the fat girl forever. I know that its probably a bad thing that I am okay with it being back, but right now it seems like a positive, my whole life was spiralling out of control and then this reappeared and gave me back my control, my order, my focus, I can focus on this now instead of the crippling depression/anxiety/OCD fun bag that threatens to destroy me most days of the week. The only bad thing is that the night warden is concerned for my health as she sees me most nights, knows I'm not sleeping, has apparently noticed a change in my weight, and isn't impressed by my 3am-6am runs, so she's put in a "confidential" to my counsellor here at uni and has asked for my appointment to be brought forward from in two weeks time to sooner if possible because she's "concerned for my physical and mental well-being due to past illnesses and life trauma." (I had a breakdown on her on the anniversary of a particularly nasty event in my life and now she knows about that and how I handled that so she's concerned I'm handling the anniversary in the same way as the actual event; maybe I am, who knows)
 I know it probably seems wrong that I am enjoying this control that has been returned to my life, but right now I am in a state of blissful simplicity, my mind has stopped hurting me daily, stopped giving me flash backs, its like it approves of my choice, like it was punishing me all this time because I refused to accept its suggestion of what I should do.
 I hope I'm doing the right thing, this peace feels right to me. Bye my Angels <3