I swear, the nerve of some people at uni is unreal. I slept with this guy last thursday because he was being all sweet and caring for me after my trip to A&E and he was like 'I think we should be together in more than just a fucking way' which was a little bit surreal for me because people don't really like me and I was like 'shit, what do I even do now, my whole self perception has been blown up from one sentence.' I met his girlfriend saturday. The girlfriend he neglected to mention when he was saying we should get together. The girlfriend he neglected to mention when we were in bed. And then he tells me that he doesn't want her to 'change anything between us' like, seriously?! I can deal with people cheating on me, I can deal with people not wanting me to be anything more than a fuck, I can deal with abusive partners and I've finally dealt with my rape, but I cannot deal with being the one that's used to cheat on someone else. Are males mentally deficient or something? Not male hating here or anything, and I'm not lumping them all in the same boat, but he and his friends seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable/reasonable that he had a girlfriend and yet cheated on her and was trying to get with me. I've been throwing it around in my brain for days and I still don't understand their logic at all. I'm starting to think its me, and that I just give off this air of 'treat me like shit or use me to treat other's like shit, I don't care' like, that's got to be it, because I've had an unhealthy amount of people do both of these things, and most of my friends haven't, so maybe I'm the missing link I'm looking for, maybe they all get this vibe that treating me like a whore or a punching bag is okay, maybe I give that out inadvertently.
I still don't feel myself after my little allergic reaction/asthma attack combo last week, my limbs are still extremely heavy to move and my lungs don't feel like they're working at their full capacity (which isn't really that much, but still, its more than this for sure) and my skin feels like there's an itch just under the surface that I cant quite get at. I know that last one is probably just a psychological thing because I don't know what caused my allergic reaction, but its concerning me a little, its never taken me this long to get over things, I'm usually up and running again a day after my asthma attacks, and it only takes me like 3 hours to get going after an allergic reaction, so the fact I'm still feeling like this almost a week after they occurred is worrying. I'm trying not to think about it because that's just going to make me worry about anything unusual that occurs, but its difficult to not think about it when its constantly in my face whenever I walk up the 4 flights of stairs to get to my flat (I'm used to walking up a steep hill so these stairs really shouldn't bother me at all but this week they are doing) or when I go to cook food for tea and realise I am literally feeling ill at the thought of it.
Uni really isn't good for my 'eating disorder free' time, I'm really trying to eat regularly and healthily and not look at the calorie content or the fat content etc but its almost like my head was just waiting for the day that I got to uni to spring this back on me, like this disorder was waiting in the dark recesses of my mind for its chance, because it knew it'd have better control over me when it was just me looking after myself. I feel like I'm going to break and its terrifying. I hadn't heard/seen anything of those things in my head for a good 6+ months, but now they're always there. I've lost 20 pounds in the 3 and a 1/2 weeks I've been here, probably due to the exercise I constantly do, and the gym time, but its not helping anything. Like, yes, I'm still within the healthy weight boundaries and that's really good, but what about if I keep losing this weight, pretty soon I'm not going to be within those boundaries, and I can just see myself failing to maintain my resolve to lead a healthy life. I'll keep you posted but I might need you guys to help me stay on the right track if possible, because though I have a 'uni family' I am essentially alone here, and it would be so easy for me to de-rail all my hard work in one go because there's no one around to check on me. Bye my Angels <3
No comments:
Post a Comment