Resisting the urge to cut during this difficult period is probably one of the toughest things I've had to do in a long time. (and my A-Level History exam was really tough but this still beats that) I haven't done it in a good few months, I stopped counting around month two because I realised every day I counted I was getting more and more anxious about how long it had been since I last did it. I know my last cut was in may though, most of them have turned white now, there's only one/two that are the angry reddy-purple colour and they were the really deep ones from may. I honestly don't know how I'm coping without my only decent coping mechanism, I'm getting more and more uptight the closer it gets to the 13th and I am awake each night now weighing up the pro's and con's of slice and dicing- the con's seem to be dwindling in number the closer I get to that date. I'm going to write the ones I have on here and then maybe if you guys think of a really crucial one you can let me know it so I can add it to the list? Just a thought, but maybe I wouldn't feel like I was about to spiral out of control again if my list wasn't falling apart at an alarming rate...
My con's are: 1, I'm going to uni in september and I'll have to share a bathroom there, if people see recent cuts on my body they might dub me a freak and my whole uni experience will be terrible. 2, I'll be letting down the people who tried to help me out this last year if I fall back into that pattern. 3, I've just started liking the way I look again, going back into that pattern could damage my tiny bit of new-found confidence. 4, If the person I Like sees new cuts on me he'll ditch me for sure because then I won't be worth his time, because I'll be too weak and pathetic for him to deal with.
As you can see the list is pretty small, in fact its really small, I can easily throw doubt on 4 con's in like a day and its worrying as hell because if that actually happens by this time tomorrow I could be back on the bandwagon I don't want to be riding. I know its pathetic of me to ask you guys to help me out a bit, but I'm pretty much desperate right now, and aside from calling up a helpline this was all I could think of. Bye my Angels <3
For me there's also the fact that the short pleasure you get is soon outweighed by regret, also it ends up solving nothing, it means you're not confronting the actually feelings and so are not dealing with the problem.
ReplyDeleteSome things that might help, writing something - poetry, diary, feelings anything or draw if you're artsy,some say drawing cuts with red biro can help, sorry you're feeling this way, I know how hard it is to stop but it is possible we have to believe that xx
When you feel like cutting, wear a good pair of trainers and go running. Run until your lungs hurt, until your legs and feet hurts. Once your whole body aches so badly you've forgotten anything else, take a long shower. And then hopefully, you'll be able to rest.
ReplyDeletestay strong lovely
Thank you <3
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