I keep using lipbalms I am allergic to on my lips. I'm told its reckless of me to tempt fate like that, that its stupid because one day I'll have a major allergic reaction instead of my lips just swelling slightly and going a touch redder. I don't know why I do it, maybe one part rebellion, one part determination and one part fool. I know I don't want to let the fact I'm allergic to tons of stuff get in the way of me doing what I want to do, so that could be my reasoning, its not harming me too much, like my lips tingle for a bit and obviously the swelling isn't great if it gets out of hand but compared to other reactions I have its a pretty tiny one that actually works in my favour sometimes. I feel that first sentence accurately sums up my attitude towards life right now; I just keep doing things that might damage me, understanding they might damage me, and continuing to do them. Like maybe some of the behaviours on their own aren't too damaging, like my little lipbalm reaction, and smoking, but all together these things probably aren't fabulous for me.
I have my first exam tomorrow, its a resit for one I've already passed so I'm not too stressed about it, for once, which is a nice change because I'm always usually so stressed about my first exam of a season. I'm obviously super stressed about my exams, but the one tomorrow I didn't even need to do so its not top priority for stressing about.
My mood is pretty low down on the scale, I'm trying to stay optimistic in my low-ness, but its difficult, I'd say I'm about 0.5 ish, not the lowest I've ever been (obviously or I wouldn't have suicide attempts) but still not the highest of my lifetime either. I'm content in my stress, but content is all, I'm not happy, not completely sad, just, middle ground. Bye my Angels <3
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