A new lady to 'help' in old ways.

I told the college lady about everything that has been going on over the past two months or so, she said sorry and all that stuff people normally say when you lose someone, or two, but she didn't pity me, it was lovely. I didn't want her pity when I told her these things and she didn't give it me. I felt like she knew at that point in time that pitying me would not be the right option, because it was obvious I was a centimetre away from crying my eyes out and not stopping ever. There's a new lady that comes into college too, one that is actually trained in these things, they brought her in especially for the exam time stress, but I'm seeing her next thursday. She's going to try and help me with CBT (because that's helped so much before) but I'm open to trying, because right now I'm so numb but in pain I'm doing everything to try and make it stop or change and the recklessness has to stop, for my own safety. I'm not sure how I can be numb but in pain, it doesn't make sense and it certainly doesn't feel good, like my body is screaming in agony but my mind is just, disconnected from it, like there is a very real fear of acknowledging it because its going to crush me into tiny pieces if I let the pain into my head. I need a rock, someone sturdy to depend on, but I feel like I only have myself, like sure I have my friends, I have my closest friends like (Cinderella will be my closest friend's name now) I have her for sure, and I have other close friends like (Z) and then I have people that know things about me like (A) and (J-the one who stole my heart and crushed it) and then obviously I have just normal friends that think everything is fine and I don't tell them things, but I don't feel like it would be fair just crying on any of them for a few hours and then using them for the hugs etc that I would need to bring my mood back up to deal-with-able levels. It wouldn't be right or nice or fair of me.
 As you can probably imagine after talking, properly talking, about everything I'm at about 0.1. My mind is on dark thoughts, things I haven't thought about in a while. I didn't think my mind would ever find its way back to thoughts like those, but unfortunately here I am again. I feel so lost. Bye my Angels <3