'I wish I'd killed you off before you were born.'

There's nothing worse than my father being in one of his 'I hate you, you're my biggest mistake, I wish I'd killed you off before you were born' moods. If you're already feeling crap in yourself that mood is just not what you want to be faced with. At the moment I'm at 0.1. I am literally so close to death I can almost taste it, can hear it whispering to me, telling me that it would never treat me this badly, that it will wait patiently for me for as long as it takes. You'd think I'd be used to his abuse by now, that I'd have gotten used to any insults he can throw my way, any threats he can think up, but I'm not. It still tears me apart every time. I wish I knew what I'd done to make him hate me so badly. Maybe it was just because I was born. Maybe it was because I was born a girl. All I can do is speculate about the reasoning behind his hate, but I don't think I want a definitive answer, I think that would be just a bit too much realism for me to deal with, that would definitely be the day I hugged death and thanked it for waiting for me. I just feel so hopeless. My own blood shouldn't hate me as much as this, shouldn't wish death on me, surely he should at least want to know me? This is where past me would have held in the tears and squashed everything she was feeling so it could fester deep in her soul. I miss that reaction, now I just cry hideous tears and hope I forget how to breathe so I drown in them. If it was possible to etch away at emptiness to reveal something worse, something emptier beneath it, that would be what happens every time I meet with my father. I'm not even a shell of myself any more, I'm a shadow. I'm all dark lines and baseless darkness, just waiting for the clouds to come overhead and get rid of me. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't cause all of this hatred in people, I don't deserve to live if all I do is cause people pain and unnecessary resentment. I feel like if I tried to scream I'd probably just crumble. This is just another day of pain I will have to keep to myself and pretend didn't happen. Just another year of tears to come from it. I wish I wasn't used to this. Why cant I be in one of those happy families? Why do I have to live through this life when other people don't? Why me? Bye my Angels <3

I have never felt the want to die so much.

Its on days like today where I get a certain kind of clarity on life. The same life that tries to make me believe in fairytales and that daydreams are promises of what is to come. Its not a particularly nice kind of clarity, but its necessary. The realisation hit me today like a ton of bricks; I'm too unhappy. It wouldn't be fair on anyone to bring them into this pit of depression. Even if I really, really, really, really wanted to be with them. It just wouldn't be right of me to subject them to my constant mood swings and hopeless grasps at happiness. It wouldn't be fair to make them stick around and deal with me at my worst. I cant even deal with me at my best, when my mood is averaged out at about 3. My best friend cant even stand me half of the time so I cant expect anyone else to want to put up with me. I would wish to be able to climb out of this hole, but that's kind of like wishing for a pet flying pink monkey riding on a unicorn. I have learnt to embrace my hollow, coldness but I think other people just think I'm exaggerating, like I cant be as bad as I am because they don't think I am. Or I cant be that bad because other people are so much worse so upon knowing that I should just suddenly flip a switch inside of me and be fab. Or because I sit smiling at college I'm just faking being bad. Yep, that's right, because I am great at hiding everything I actually feel from college people I am definitely only pretending to be depressed. The best one I've ever heard was 'you can still get out of bed in the morning, so you aren't depressed, you're just bored.' Because boredom and depression are so easy to get confused. And my removing of myself from bed means I'm happy? How does that account for the people that kill themselves outside of their own bedroom then? Because I would personally never do it in my house, I don't want my family to find me.
 But just from that to me its obvious to see that it would be completely unfair on anyone else to be brought into this life of mine. I even try and keep my family out of it as much as possible, they don't need to know about this either. Its just me, myself and I that will deal with this issue. That fact doesn't make me stop feeling like crying though. That's all I want to do lately, I just want to cry for weeks and weeks and weeks and maybe never stop. I've dropped so much on my scale so quickly that I'm like 0.1 now. I can tell everyone is getting sick of me and my ability to bring people down so quickly, I might just avoid them next year, I am so sick of bringing people down with me, its not their faults I'm like this but I feel like I'm blaming them somehow whenever I make them feel like crap unintentionally. My best friend doesn't even need this drama anyway, he has his own issues to deal with, its not like I'm a help to him, bringing him down isn't going to make him feel any better. Leaving him alone is probably the most foolproof way of making sure I don't make him worse. I might just become a recluse again and ignore the world, hoping it ignores me back. That way I cant hurt anyone.
 I have never felt the want to die so much. I don't know what to do. Bye my Angels <3

My mind is chaos, structured chaos.

When I read books in the past and you had these whiney female protagonists who were so conflicted about everything and confused, I never understood how they could be like that. I never realised just how much feelings can mess a person up. I used to have such a perfect order of life, everything was in place, I felt secure in my emotions, or rather, lack of emotions. Things were so simple before I decided to feel. Now I just feel like the annoying protagonist writing about my emotions and crying every night. 6 months ago if I'd have cried I'd have scolded myself for being so fucking stupid and I'd have suppressed anything I was crying about and got over it, never to shed a tear on the subject ever again. I'd give anything to go back to that mental state, where everything can be solved with a good plan and order. My mind is chaos now, structured chaos, far from the neat order I love. I mean, don't get me wrong, some good things have come out of how I am now, I've been able to open up to people and get closer and friendlier to the people I want to. I've been able to hug people, which is a biggie because at one point earlier this year my...cleanliness issues got so out of control I had to sit two seats away from everyone in my friend group, on my coat on the seat and wouldn't breathe when one of them was talking to me in case I breathed in their germs, now I don't do that. I just feel like some times its all more harm than good. Even my family has noticed lately that my mood has gone way down. And it doesn't help one single bit that I am now completely and hopelessly conflicted over someone who likes me one day and ignores me the next. Someone who tears me apart every time he discards me and builds me up every time he is perfectly charming. Someone who makes me happy, who makes me laugh like I've never believed I could. I just wish he'd stop messing with my emotions, I feel like this is karma for not believing in other people's emotions before. Fuck you karma.
 So all in all I've had a really good go at emotions and they haven't tried to help me at all. I'm starting to hate myself and life so much more, it feels like I never left that period of my life, not even a little bit. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3