I just don't know.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week or two, I've been on a sort of roller coaster with my emotions that I was hoping to have sorted out by myself. I'd had my emotions at a place where I thought I was back to controlling them for about a week until this started. I thought that maybe I was getting the hang of this life thing. I thought wrong obviously. My emotions have been messed with right royally, I'm not sure whether I'm fine with it or sad, whether I don't care or I want to burst out crying. I've been messed around with, again. My life is literally people messing me around whilst they're bored and then finding someone better to play with. I've been told 'oh don't worry, its not your fault' and blah blah blah, but I know it is. I think I wear this big neon sign above my head that says something crappy like 'I was made to be messed with' I'm just so sick of it. It doesn't surprise me any more though, like, I have accepted the fact I am not pretty or funny or smart or thin and I'm working on them all for sure but its not working for me, I think I'm just getting worse. I haven't looked at myself in the mirror properly for 2 weeks now because I cant stand the sight of myself. I have absolutely no desire to live right now, everything is killing me slowly, I have been so good not cutting but I cant put it off any more, too much has built up in me, who knows, maybe I'll be so out of practice that I slice somewhere important and get my way for once.

Life with life is downhill.

My nightmares are back. They never really left, they just mellowed out slightly, but last night I had at least 6 full-on, haunt you for years after, nightmares that I can remember. They were all about me dying, in various scenarios, various ways, but all about my death. Its like now I've been told there's a potential I'm going to Have life, my brain is trying to make me scared I'm going to lose it in some freak accident or something. It definitely doesn't think I deserve to live, that is for sure. Its made it abundantly clear that my death is something it wanted. I don't know how to deal with a misbehaving head lately, its not fair, I'm still too conflicted, those good doctors with their good news opened up the flood gates for all of my emotions, or maybe even broke the fucking dam because I cant fix it back up now.
 People keep telling me that one of my friends likes me. I'm not sure the word nervous was actually designed for this feeling. Its like dread and curiosity and sadness and happiness and doubt and loathing and mistrust and excitement all in one. I don't know how to react. I don't believe them for one moment, but then, my mind is still doing that 'potentially' thing it does and its scaring me. I cannot understand how its possible. I really hate when people take the piss out of me. I hate when people pretend. People are annoying as fuck. Why would they bully me? Its not nice.
 I realise I'm getting pretty repetitive on here but I cant help it, my life is literally just my mind doing the exact same thing over and over and screwing me up more and more. Haha. My life after finding out I have life is going downhill so much. Fuck. Bye my Angels <3

I cant justify it any more.

I cant deal with my mother's boyfriend lately. He just keeps drinking. He won't stop, he's constantly got a can in his hand. I already have one alcoholic father, I don't need another. He thinks coming home with a cheap bunch of flowers for my mother whenever he's gotten too drunk in the house will be enough to keep her quiet about it, but they aren't. They're just making her madder. I'm worried about my sister with it all though. My mum's boyfriend has been here for about 10 years now and she's really attached, but between him drinking and her actual dad being a pot head I'm concerned she'll be influenced, she is at that age where everything is 'well they do it, why cant I?' I just cant stand to be in the same room as the man any more, I used to have respect for him, after 6 years I almost trusted him, then when we found out he was cheating on mother that all went and I was just civil, and now I can see that his drinking is out of control, I'm not justifying it.
 My mood was about a 1 the other day, until I started thinking about the future I can potentially have now. Then it plummeted because I'm too fat and too ugly for anyone and I'm not smart enough to be a completely independent female and I'm not witty enough for people to look past the fact I'm hideous and fat. I thought those things and all of a sudden it was like I was back two years ago, my mind was being circled by those little voices and everything just collapsed. All my resolve vanished into thin air. All my certainty about staying healthy went, now I'm not so sure if I I can cope with being a technically healthy weight. All the thoughts I've been suppressing for ages now have just popped back up and taken residence in my head right where they were before, as if they never left. They got worse when people started saying that my friend Liked me. I am not sure I can deal with that, I'm too imperfect for anyone to like me. People need to stop messing with my delicate state of mind. I am in too fragile a way to have my head messed up. I just keep breaking down, I'll get stuck on a thought and it'll kill me a little bit and I just shut down. I think I prefer the way I was before, certain of death and shut off from feelings, this new thinking me is difficult. Bye my Angels <3