Its coming back, I'm sure.

I swear, the nerve of some people at uni is unreal. I slept with this guy last thursday because he was being all sweet and caring for me after my trip to A&E and he was like 'I think we should be together in more than just a fucking way' which was a little bit surreal for me because people don't really like me and I was like 'shit, what do I even do now, my whole self perception has been blown up from one sentence.' I met his girlfriend saturday. The girlfriend he neglected to mention when he was saying we should get together. The girlfriend he neglected to mention when we were in bed. And then he tells me that he doesn't want her to 'change anything between us' like, seriously?! I can deal with people cheating on me, I can deal with people not wanting me to be anything more than a fuck, I can deal with abusive partners and I've finally dealt with my rape, but I cannot deal with being the one that's used to cheat on someone else. Are males mentally deficient or something? Not male hating here or anything, and I'm not lumping them all in the same boat, but he and his friends seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable/reasonable that he had a girlfriend and yet cheated on her and was trying to get with me. I've been throwing it around in my brain for days and I still don't understand their logic at all. I'm starting to think its me, and that I just give off this air of 'treat me like shit or use me to treat other's like shit, I don't care' like, that's got to be it, because I've had an unhealthy amount of people do both of these things, and most of my friends haven't, so maybe I'm the missing link I'm looking for, maybe they all get this vibe that treating me like a whore or a punching bag is okay, maybe I give that out inadvertently.
 I still don't feel myself after my little allergic reaction/asthma attack combo last week, my limbs are still extremely heavy to move and my lungs don't feel like they're working at their full capacity (which isn't really that much, but still, its more than this for sure) and my skin feels like there's an itch just under the surface that I cant quite get at. I know that last one is probably just a psychological thing because I don't know what caused my allergic reaction, but its concerning me a little, its never taken me this long to get over things, I'm usually up and running again a day after my asthma attacks, and it only takes me like 3 hours to get going after an allergic reaction, so the fact I'm still feeling like this almost a week after they occurred is worrying. I'm trying not to think about it because that's just going to make me worry about anything unusual that occurs, but its difficult to not think about it when its constantly in my face whenever I walk up the 4 flights of stairs to get to my flat (I'm used to walking up a steep hill so these stairs really shouldn't bother me at all but this week they are doing) or when I go to cook food for tea and realise I am literally feeling ill at the thought of it.
 Uni really isn't good for my 'eating disorder free' time, I'm really trying to eat regularly and healthily and not look at the calorie content or the fat content etc but its almost like my head was just waiting for the day that I got to uni to spring this back on me, like this disorder was waiting in the dark recesses of my mind for its chance, because it knew it'd have better control over me when it was just me looking after myself. I feel like I'm going to break and its terrifying. I hadn't heard/seen anything of those things in my head for a good 6+ months, but now they're always there. I've lost 20 pounds in the 3 and a 1/2 weeks I've been here, probably due to the exercise I constantly do, and the gym time, but its not helping anything. Like, yes, I'm still within the healthy weight boundaries and that's really good, but what about if I keep losing this weight, pretty soon I'm not going to be within those boundaries, and I can just see myself failing to maintain my resolve to lead a healthy life. I'll keep you posted but I might need you guys to help me stay on the right track if possible, because though I have a 'uni family' I am essentially alone here, and it would be so easy for me to de-rail all my hard work in one go because there's no one around to check on me. Bye my Angels <3 

First university unnecessary hater.

Got my first university 'hater' for no reason the other day, is that like a rite of passage or something? It was horrible though, no matter how much light I make of the situation now. I'd been super nice to this girl because she's one of my flat-mate's girlfriend, so I was like, lets be accommodating and friendly because we'll probably be seeing each other a lot in and outside of the flat. She literally only knows my name and hates me, I don't understand it, I'm not one of those people who say they've done nothing if they've done something, I don't see the point of not owning up to actions if you were intent on doing them in the first place you should always take accountability for them in my opinion, so when I say I have done nothing nasty or wrong to this girl, I genuinely mean I have done nothing (to my knowledge) that should cause this girl to hate me as much as she does. She excluded me from a friendly meet-up (that also included my friends and flat mate) the other day, just because she didn't like me, and what made it worse was that no one stood up for me or said 'no, she can stay, she's our friend' that was really shitty. I felt like my whole world was collapsing at the time, I was like "It's happening again, it doesn't matter where I go, how many new people I meet, I will always be that back-up friend that's not really a friend, people will always hate me regardless of how nice I am to them, there must be something inherently wrong with me to cause such hate in people that only know my name." As you can probably imagine years of anxiety from being bullied all rose to the surface in quite a violent way and I ended up finding release from the horrible thoughts in my head and the nauseating tears in a blade. It had been close to 8 months and my clean streak was ruined because I cannot contain or deal with nasty thoughts coming from others or from myself. I was eventually talked down from the (metaphorical) ledge (there aren't many ledges round here for me to climb onto) by my mother who explained that I was being "fucking stupid, everyone gets people in life that hate them for no good reason, even the most likeable people in the world." I needed her straight talk, I can always count on her to call me an idiot enough times until the message gets through that I'm acting irrationally and emotionally.
 Uni is starting to feel like a home to me, I miss my actual home and family so much, but I couldn't stay there forever and I'd accepted that I had to start making my own way in the world, without the comfort of a family household to come home to every night so I think that's why the adjustment period was reasonably painless. There are three other people in the flat that I consider to be a family to me, regardless of how they feel about me. Now they're in my life I don't know what I'd do if they suddenly weren't.
 The visit from my dad wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, he brought me food and gravy (because its almost impossible to find bisto down south, like, who even chooses to use oxo over bisto? Its unnatural) and disney plasters, because he saw them and decided he couldn't walk past them without getting them for his disney obsessed daughter. That was nice, I knew he'd been partially listening to me for the past 8 months he's really been in my life then, and he hadn't just been biding his time and pretending to care about what I had to say until he could get rid of me through uni. Its an odd feeling to know that he cares about me in his own way. I know and he knows that its going to take a lot to get past the fact he wasn't in my life really for the first 17 and a bit years of my life, but I think we're finally starting to move past that and mend some fences that I burned down at 16 and full of rage at the fact he'd never been in my life but was completely willing to be in this American's life and her child's. I think he finally understands how shitty he made me feel by leaving me fatherless for years, and only seeing me when he needed to parade me around to his friends or because his mother told him to. I could be completely wrong and he could just be playing the long game and planning on never seeing me again after I've had a year at uni, but I don't think he will, I hope he won't.
 Anyway, I have a boat load of reading to do. Bye my Angels <3