On the up and up.

My mood lately can only be described as excellent, which is bizarre considering my mood hasn't been excellent in as long as I can remember. I don't know why I feel this good, I can guess at possible reasons for sure, but nothing substantial has happened to cause my mood to drastically alter. I've finished college now, that could be the reason, I don't have any exams to worry about or any revision to do now. But then I'm so nervous about going to university so logically that shouldn't be the reason for my mood to be upped. And when I say nervous I am not sure the word meets up to the level of nerves in me about moving down to Northampton in September. That is a long way from home, a long way from any of my family, a long way to go to not know anyone and have to start from scratch. I'm worried I won't have enough money, I won't make any friends, I'll fail my course miserably, I'm just worried for anything that could possibly go wrong. But then I'm also so so so excited. I have never been this excited in my life, I get to go and have my own life, where I make the rules to follow, and I choose the food to eat, that might not seem good to some people, but to me its like a dream come true. I am finally getting my freedom, I can stay up until 3am on the internet and walk around my room naked if I feel like it. People take their freedom for granted, but not me, I am going to take every bit of it I get and do what I want to do with it.
 I get my tattoo tomorrow, I should be worried about that, I know I should be concerned about the pain, that's supposed to be sort of a given, but I'm not. I know it probably won't be that painful, it most certainly won't be the most painful thing I've ever experienced, I'm not saying I think it will be a walk in the park, it'll probably sting a bit or something, but I'm pretty sure I can handle any sort of pain that comes my way, and I'll have a lovely little owl on my back by the end of it. (I know that's sort of a common thing to have, but there's a hell of a lot of meaning behind it and I'm not going into it right now but trust me, its not just me deciding to be generic with my choice of tattoo)
 I have a whole summer to spend with my friends, enjoying myself, relaxing, and probably crying, because this lot of friends are the best ones I've ever had and I'm going to miss them something fierce when I move down the country and they all stay relatively close to where we live now. I think that'll break my heart the most, obviously leaving my family is going to be tough as anything, because I'm close to my family, but leaving my friends, particularly my best friend (Angel) (Not her real name, I'm sure you've cottoned on to my system by now) is going to be so hard. (Angel) Is the best thing in the world, she's like my soul mate in the least sexual way possible, I love her to pieces, and in ways that I never thought I was capable of. She is like a second sister to me and every time I think about leaving her my heart feels like its breaking already. Every other best friend I've had in my life pales in comparison to her, its obvious that they weren't really the best of best friends for me when they're compared with (Angel) she is irreplaceable and I don't know what I'll do when she realises I'm not fabulous and drops me for someone better, not that I think she's like that, but I can see it happening because I'm so shit compared to her. But yeah, so leaving her will be difficult, probably the most difficult thing I've done in a while. I am not giving her up without a fight, I might be moving away but I'm not forgetting her and I am not going to let her forget me. She's just recently got a boyfriend though and I don't want to intrude on their time together, because she really likes him and I don't want them to break up because they didn't see each other enough and that be my fault, however he's not moving that far away and I'm moving down south and I feel like I maybe need to spend a bit more time with (Angel) because I won't get to see her as much after september as he will, yes that's a selfish reason, but I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can whilst I still can. I obviously haven't told her this because her happiness is important to me, and if seeing her boyfriend is making her happy then I'm not going to stop that.
 I have been able to read so much too. Books I want to read, instead of books I had to read to pass my course. I've maybe gone overboard slightly on amazon's 'free kindle books' section and just downloaded them all. (Just because I don't have money to buy books doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy them-even if a lot of the free ones are not proof read at all) I haven't been able to escape the world through reading in such a long time, I've always had to be tethered to the world because I'll be reading books to write essays on etc, but now I can just fly away on the imagination of someone else and its the best part of my day (even if it is usually at 2am)
 Because of my excellent mood that's probably at like 6 on the scale of 0-10 that I can only usually ever get to 1 on at most, I haven't cut in weeks, a big deal since I went back to doing it every night, sometimes more than one sitting of it a night. I haven't had any negative thoughts about myself (other than the normal ones like; 'fucking hell, why did I buy that dress a size smaller to motivate myself, my boobs are never going to fit that thing, regardless of how much weight I lose!'--Actually really proud of these kinds of thoughts because usually they're more along the lines of 'fuck I put a pound on I'm just going to go and slice myself up a bit and then bleed out in the bath, all american horror story style.') Everything is really looking up for me right now, and there's absolutely no reason for it at all, which makes it better, because then that reason can't be taken away from me and make me spiral back into my pit. Maybe my life is finally on the up and up, and I can be happy, I'd like to know what that feels like again, I cannot remember even the slightest hint about what being happy is like, but I think I might know soon enough. Bye my Angels <3