Can it ever be quietened?

There are days when I can eat what I want without a thought to how fat I am, to how many calories or grams of fat are in the food, to how much exercise I'll have to do to rid myself of the negative effects of the food. Those days, though blissful, are limited, there's maybe 7 of them in a whole year. I don't have an addictive personality, not even remotely, I can (and have) smoke 20 (+ on occasion) cigarettes a day for months at a time, and then come back to my home town for months and not touch a single cigarette. I've tried recreational drugs on several occasions and never felt the overwhelming pull to go and take more, I took painkillers every day for a year and didn't once feel addicted to them when it was time for me to stop. And this is why I find it very hard to understand how I could have let myself become addicted to/dependent on this ED, and everything that accompanies it. It is the first thing I have felt the pull, the cravings, the dysfunctional mindset of an addiction towards and its probably the scariest thing (besides heroin) to be addicted to. With things like smoking addictions, the causes are known, there's a relatively simple solution for it, the focus is getting weaning you off of the nicotine, helping you cope with the nicotine craving etc, its clean cut, precise, there's no grey area. But with this, its like, one day I'll want to give up, more than anything I'll want to end life, then the next I'll just want to kick this habit and live normally, and the next I'll be perfectly happy living this life, couldn't even consider giving it up. Everyone always says you have to really commit to recovery for an ED, they make that sound so simple, like you can just go 'actually I don't want this any more' one day, and that will remain your mindset for the rest of your life, but the mind doesn't work like that and I envy people that can stick to their guns and keep that mindset because I don't know how they do it. Of course there's always some part of me that wants to be able to quit this addiction, but at the same time there's always some part of me, some twisted part, that revels in this, that needs it to feel sane, to feel like myself, I understand that even if I am fully recovered this part of me will always be there, its like the receptors in the brain for nicotine addiction, they're always there, you've just quietened them or something, but I'm so afraid that its always going to be the biggest, loudest part of my mind and no amount of therapy or drugs or nights out clubbing until I cant think any more, will be able to quieten it. I know running away from every problem, emotion, potentially dangerous thought, like I currently do isn't going to solve anything, its never going to bring me closer to finding out the answer to this worry, but I don't think I'd be able to stand it if the thing I fear turned out to be completely accurate. Its better to live in ignorance and run from life and everything that will make my mind worse, than find out truths I'm not ready to face, don't you think? Bye my Angels <3