My new adventure.

I have been at university for a week and two days and it already feels like a home to me. My flat mates are already a family to me, they're so sweet and caring and funny and sarcastic (that was a big worry for me because I was afraid they'd all be straight laced and get offended every time I made a sarcastic comment or something) I understand what people mean now when they say that the friends you make in university stay with you your entire life, I can't imagine my life without these new additions to my family. I'm glad I get on with them so much really, because my brother didn't with his first flat mates and I was so afraid that everyone here was going to hate me. Freshers week was really good, I enjoyed it for the most part, I had a slight hiccup on the bar crawl night, I'm generally not good with lots of loud drunks and confined spaces and that night was no exception to that general rule. I had a mini anxiety attack (mini compared to ones I usually have) and had Amy come and sit outside with my whilst my body cried it out and dealt with the fear, she seemed cool about it and she has only mentioned it once in a jokey manner which I appreciate immensely because she could have just told everyone and made a massive deal out of it, but she didn't. I think one small blip on a whole week of events and drinking is pretty impressive myself, it shows I'm getting stronger, or more capable of dealing with things, or something like that so yay for me.
 I've found out I have no half term in October though, so I'm here until the 20th of December, that's kind of difficult, I was looking forward to seeing my family in the half term because I miss them all like crazy, but I guess I'll just have to stick it out and wait because there's nothing else I can really do, I cant justify the train fare for a three hour+ journey when I live on £5 a week and the train fare would blow maybe two months budget in one go.
 My father is coming to visit me on Saturday, I'm nervous about that. He's a massive trigger of mine, one of the biggest to be honest, and I know that if he pokes holes in my new resolve I'm likely to break again, and I really don't want to explain new cuts to my flat mates since they don't know about that part of my life at all and I want it to stay that way for as long as possible. I love my dad, I do, he's gotten better at being a dad lately, he doesn't take the piss out of my mum in front of me any more and he doesn't try to put me in the middle of any maintenance battles that are going on with the CSA like he used to do all the time. He's interested in my life and seemed genuinely proud of me for getting into university on my own he posted it all over online and was crying in front of me telling me how proud of me he was, so he really does seem like he's trying to be a better dad to me and I'm so glad about that because I need my dad in my life, I'm not going to try and lie to myself and say I don't, but I was getting to the end of my tether and it was getting to the point where I was so down every time I saw him that I was constantly seriously considering suicide because I just couldn't handle how he was treating me along with the massive pressure that was coming from my mum and being put in the middle of constant arguments that weren't actually any of my concern. I know fretting about seeing my dad is silly now he's trying harder, but it still makes me nervous, probably because of how I felt about it for years, I don't know.
 My nightmares have decreased slightly, I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with tears down my face and an image of my death in my mind, but they're less scream inducing now apparently because I haven't woken any of my flat mates up in the middle of the night with them, so that's good. I'm still not particularly happy about only being able to remember dreams where I die, but we cant pick and choose these things so I guess I'll have to grin and bare it.
 I joined the gym again yesterday, I feel confident enough that I won't go overboard on the exercise like I did last time, and anyway, new town new rules, the doctors cant exactly tell me no when I'm no longer in their care. I know I can handle it, I wasn't strong enough back then, but now I am, I can control myself. My flat mates that went with me were amazed though, apparently they'd never seen someone go for it at the gym like I did, they couldn't keep up with me, I didn't tell them that I'd been waiting for the day I could re-join a gym since year 11. They didn't need to know that, they'd get concerned. They were also amazed at my recovery time, they were on their backs for like half an hour after trying to keep up with me, I went at full speed for a good 45 minutes longer than them and only needed a 5 minute water break, had no muscle pain, and was ready to go again. I guess I still have some kind of stamina from when I used to go like 5 hours a day... If I couldn't keep the figure I think its only fair I retained something from those days besides niggling voices in my head and a warped view of myself. RIght?
 I'll try not to stay away as long this time, I've just had so much going on and so much new to get used to that it's been difficult to find time to post, or time where my thoughts are coherent enough to post. Wish me luck on my new adventure? Bye my Angels <3

Two days in counting.

I am not sure how I still have enough energy to sit and write this post, this week has been that hectic. I've finished my fast-track therapy now, she said she felt I was okay enough to let me go without contacting the counselling group at my university (yay) her confidence in me was a bit overwhelming, not many people have ever had confidence in me, like at all, and she made it known like it was the easiest thing in the world, that gave me a bit of confidence in myself, because if this woman I've only known a month or two has such blinding confidence in my ability to keep myself safe and healthy, then I must be kind of okay at it. I finished house/cat sitting for my nan yesterday, thank god for no more 4am wake up calls from the cat because it wants feeding. But today I had to wake up mega early because it was time to start sorting out the stuff I'm taking to university with me, and its a lot of stuff when I really look at it, it's a lot of stuff to prioritise and list and pack neatly. I'm still not done with uni packing, I have to do the other half of it tomorrow, so I don't have to get up at like 4am on saturday to finish it off before I go at 8. I am so excited to go, as it gets closer to saturday I'm having more difficulty sleeping and thinking about anything else other than getting there, unpacking in a room that I don't have to share with anyone, and meeting my flatmates, we've been speaking on things like Facebook for so long that its about time we finally met, its a long overdue meeting and I cannot wait for it at all. And then of course there's freshers week (or fortnight at places like my uni) my Psychology course which I'm looking forward to like crazy because its so interesting, new people, new sights, new everything, hell, even new rumours (and if you knew some of the old ones circling my home town about me, you'd understand why there was a need for new rumours) My sister is getting more upset each day, she left the room crying today when she saw all my stuff being boxed up, I know it will be difficult for her and I'm trying to make it as easy as possible, but I think she expected me to stay with her forever, and unfortunately I cant do that. I'll miss her, but there's a massive world out there and I've only ever lived in one tiny part of it, I've visited a lot of places for sure in comparison to most of the other people that live where I do, but in comparison to how many places there actually are to visit, in England alone, its like I've never left my town.
 Anyway, I have so much more packing and sorting to do, and my friend is coming over soon to say goodbye to me, so I'll have to leave you guys to your own devices. I hope you can forgive me for how terrible this post actually was, my stress is making my thoughts jumbled and nonsensical. Bye my Angels <3

Ready is a mindset that I just don't possess.

The closer I get to leaving my home town, the more nervous I get. I've been looking forward to leaving since I was old enough to comprehend what university was and that I didn't have to do it from home, but as the days have ebbed away until there's only 12 left to go I cant shake the feeling that anxiety's trying to drown me in its uncertain waters. If I am thinking logically I know I have nothing to worry about regarding university. I already know a few people and I have a few plans to meet up with some of these people when we all get to uni so we don't all feel like lonely bugs who've moved away from the nest in the roots of the tree to a branch way far up it. I like at least two of my flat mates, so I won't be bullied by all of them for the full year I'm there. The area surrounding the university looks different and not awful (though its not as picturesque as my countryside town, I wasn't planning on it being so that's okay) My course content looks good and my timetable doesn't look stupidly over-filled so I can join a society if I want to, and still have time to revise and do my work. I don't know what it is that has me threatening to jump ship, its probably just the moving jitters added to my normal, constant ones, but maybe my gut is trying to tell me something. I went on a gut instinct when I applied to Northampton, I'd never visited, never considered it in my top 5 list until like a week before deadline date for the UCAS application, and when I saw it and read about it, and it all fit my criteria/check-list, something inside just clicked and I knew that if I was going to go to university then I was going to try and make sure I went to this one, a gut instinct was all I needed to convince me of my decision (as they're usually 100% accurate) but what if its not accurate this time and I'm moving 3+hours away from my home to a place that's not going to be right for me? I'm doubting all my gut decisions lately, because I don't know whether I'll be right about this university one, its throwing me off balance so badly.
 I went and saw the therapist lady again this morning (A 6am wake up to see her at 9am was not the best, but) She tried to touch on my past 'relationships' and I freaked out a bit, I closed off from her because they're too painful to even think about, I'd rather live in denial about the amount of times I've been abused than talk openly and in detail about it to someone I don't know actually cares yet... You know? She's lovely and all, and has a very likeable personality, hell, she even smokes which is hilarious when we talked about 'damaging behaviour' today and we had like a ten minute conversation about why smoking is good for stress but also totally not good for it. I could see myself opening up to this lady, if I only had more time. 3 sessions is not enough to develop a therapist-patient relationship enough to divulge all the dirty little secrets of my past, not by a long shot, it took me like 6 months to tell (Fire) I was cutting again, and we'd had a year of that kind of relationship.
 I haven't spoken to my best friend in a while, I think she's purposely pulling away because I'm leaving, and I do not have time to deal with another person's insecurities right now, I'm too busy trying to squash my own and get mentally prepared for university. (I know that sounds mean, and I love her to pieces, but right now I wish we could focus on me a little more than her, I mean, its not like she's attempted to contact me either...) I wouldn't have started feeling like this had she not ditched me at the pub the other day, first she sat away from me all night, and then she left with her 'its complicated boyfriend' without saying a word. I was petrified for her, I didn't know what had happened, that is until I realised he had left too and she'd gone to a party with him without saying a single thing to me, the person she'd gone to the pub with. So I stopped making all the effort after that because I'm sick of being the only one properly invested in a friendship, and her leaving with a guy, without saying a word, after sitting with him all night in the first place, just highlighted that I cared more about the friendship than she did. (I hope you guys don't think I'm just being a crazy bitch or something? Because it actually really hurt me, and got me thinking about all the other times I'd cared more about the friendship than she had, which when I thought about it, was a whole heap of times)
 I got a new phone finally! I can finally make and receive calls off speaker (You don't realise how big of a deal that is until you've had people listening in to your conversations for over a year)
 Anyway, my head is starting to stress again (a lot) so I'm going to leave you guys with my ramblings and hope some of you care enough to read them and maybe reassure me that everything will be fine and that I won't have to cut off contact with my best friend altogether because of her lack of emotional investment (Hell, even call me a bitch for being so self-obsessed if you can give me your reasoning, I really don't know how to handle that situation, and if I try to talk to her I'm sure she'll either get really mad at me, or try and ignore it, or even not understand how much she's hurt me, so please, other suggestions than 'talk to her'?) Bye my Angels <3