I need your help, please?

Resisting the urge to cut during this difficult period is probably one of the toughest things I've had to do in a long time. (and my A-Level History exam was really tough but this still beats that) I haven't done it in a good few months, I stopped counting around month two because I realised every day I counted I was getting more and more anxious about how long it had been since I last did it. I know my last cut was in may though, most of them have turned white now, there's only one/two that are the angry reddy-purple colour and they were the really deep ones from may. I honestly don't know how I'm coping without my only decent coping mechanism, I'm getting more and more uptight the closer it gets to the 13th and I am awake each night now weighing up the pro's and con's of slice and dicing- the con's seem to be dwindling in number the closer I get to that date. I'm going to write the ones I have on here and then maybe if you guys think of a really crucial one you can let me know it so I can add it to the list? Just a thought, but maybe I wouldn't feel like I was about to spiral out of control again if my list wasn't falling apart at an alarming rate...
 My con's are: 1, I'm going to uni in september and I'll have to share a bathroom there, if people see recent cuts on my body they might dub me a freak and my whole uni experience will be terrible. 2, I'll be letting down the people who tried to help me out this last year if I fall back into that pattern. 3, I've just started liking the way I look again, going back into that pattern could damage my tiny bit of new-found confidence. 4, If the person I Like sees new cuts on me he'll ditch me for sure because then I won't be worth his time, because I'll be too weak and pathetic for him to deal with.
 As you can see the list is pretty small, in fact its really small, I can easily throw doubt on 4 con's in like a day and its worrying as hell because if that actually happens by this time tomorrow I could be back on the bandwagon I don't want to be riding. I know its pathetic of me to ask you guys to help me out a bit, but I'm pretty much desperate right now, and aside from calling up a helpline this was all I could think of. Bye my Angels <3

23 Days.

I'm supposed to be going for a meeting with someone new in the first week of august. I'd forgotten all about the 'new lady' I'd been meeting at college, and I'd especially forgotten how she had said she was going to have her colleague get in touch with me. I'm nervous, I've never seen this woman in my life, never heard of her, can't find a picture of her on the internet or anything like that to ease my mind about this woman. She has an interesting telephone voice, the kind that I imagine can be so much more irritating in person if she chose for it to be by talking to me like a 4 year old...
 The weather in england has been exceedingly hot which is bizzare considering england really isn't famous for its nice weather, or even its decent weather. But today it was 32 degrees where I live (That might not seem hot, but I'm used to and comfortable with 8 degrees so...) I shouldn't complain about nice weather, but it makes me ill so its a little harder for me to enjoy it. As long as my massive sunglasses stay perched on my nose and I take a steady course of painkillers throughout the day I don't get my migraines, I learnt that trick the hard way. However I can't stop the sun from getting to my skin when I'm out in it, because I cant very well wear cardies in 32 degree heat. So of course I'm getting killer stomach pains and skin rashes and general tired/ill feeling-ness and I'm not impressed with it.
 My mood has been moderate. The people in my house have been fighting a lot and its difficult to keep myself cheery, if we add that to my increasing illness and decrease in mental stimulation now my college course is over its very difficult to keep my mind from crossing over that thin line between moderate and bad. So far I've managed though.
 I have 23 days left until I find out whether I have gotten into uni or not and I'm so anxious its killing me. 23 days is a long time to dwell on the fact I may well have just failed the last two years of my life and am therefore a complete waste of space, probably going to be disowned by my family, or ridiculed by my brother for the rest of my life to the point where I want to die anyway. I cannot stand waiting. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3