Unprepared for counselling.

I'm absolutely petrified for my counselling meeting tomorrow. I don't know where to go for it, I don't know if I have to sign in, I don't know if I'm seeing a man or a woman, I don't know what they look like, if they're going to hate me, if they're nice/understanding. I don't know anything. They moved up my time slot from the 16th of January to tomorrow after they processed the questionnaire they had me do whilst signing up for it, because I'm too high risk to wait another month for this or something, so I've had no time to mentally prepare myself or talk myself out of it or anything, I'm going in blind and unprepared and that's usually when my guard is most vulnerable to their sneaky questions and I break down. I don't want to break down on them on the first session but at the moment I'm 99% sure that's what I'm going to end up doing. I've had so many different counsellors/sessions before and yet I still feel like I'm a nervous wreck, and logically, I know what to expect from this so I don't know why I feel like the ground is falling out from under me this time. Maybe its because I'm in a new place, with new people, and none of my old support system to turn to afterwards if I feel like having a break down for several hours. Isolation is good for so many things, but ugly breakdown's are not on the list of pro's. I'm so off guard as it is lately because of my lack of sleep that its going to be difficult to keep any sort of composure or stoic expression on my face regardless of what's going on inside my head, my face is literally going to be a window into my thought tomorrow because sleeping just isn't happening for me lately, I got two hours last night and none the previous three, not good. Anyway. I'll keep you posted if any of you are even reading this. Bye my Angels <3

Becoming dependent, in my isolation.

The nurse at my university angers me to an insane degree. I went to see her to get a repeat prescription of the medication I have been on for several years now, and she decided she'd try and change it all, even the stuff that was prescribed to me by the specialised ENT doctor, she felt she was superior to his decisions. She changed my inhaler so instead of weaning me off of that particular thing like my old doctor was slowly doing, she's upped my dosage and how many times a day I have to take it, so now my lungs aren't going to get better on their own because they'll be dependent on the fucking inhaler again and I will probably literally never be able to go a day without it. She tried to take me off my allergy meds, which really got me started with her because as you guys are aware, the list of things I am not allergic to is shorter than that which I am, so I proceeded to explain to her that if she took me off of my allergy meds, I would go into anaphylactic shock every time I left my room, because everything would hit me at once like a lorry full of bricks. After 20 minutes of her questioning everything I'm allergic to, and a very indepth account from me about what they all do to me, she finally relented and let me keep them. She refused to change my pill that has now been making me have a continuous period for just over 7 months, saying 'well, the pill seems to suit you, maybe you've just got bad luck, there aren't any other pills you can try' when I know full well that there are over 7 at least because my mum was on 7 and was going to go onto 8 before her starting of cancer, so her bullshitting really wasn't needed at all. And then after sticking the flu jab in my arm wrong and scraping it across my muscle to get it to the correct place, she finally said 'maybe we should get your medical notes from your past doctor' she hadn't even looked over my medical history before trying to change everything, she didn't even know what half of the medication I was on was! I was being treated by an incompetent nurse. Because that's exactly the person you give to the ill kid, the nurse who thinks she knows better than every doctor I've ever seen.
 On a much lighter note, there is a lad at this uni, (L) who makes me forget all about my unfortunate past at college with the lad who messed with and broke my heart on several occasions. And though we've only kissed and hung out a few times I feel myself starting to really like him, and that terrify's me warms the ice around my heart at the same time. Its a confusing feeling. My friend seems to think that we'll end up getting together, but I doubt it, I have too much baggage and he's literal perfection, like, 10/10 where I am maybe a two on my really good days, so us getting together won't happen, I'm like 99% sure of it. Nobody who is a god amongst men could want someone as damaged and messed up as me, I know she's just trying to give me hope, but there's nothing worse than false hope to make you spin back down farther into the well, and I definitely do not want to go back down to the bottom of that so soon into my first year of uni. Its kind of nice that I don't think of that other lad as much as I used to, he's just an occasional passing thought now, maybe this means that regardless of if me and (L) get together, I will still have moved on enough to get with someone.
 I started talking to my grandad the other week, I guess isolation does strange things to my head and makes me casually talk to my dead grandparent as if he were in the same room as me. I couldn't tell you what urged me to start, but its almost comforting. The logical side of my brain knows he's not there, but somewhere in me wants to believe that if it were possible, he would be looking over me and giving me a push in the right direction on occasion. Its like talking to him is my anchor to stop me from going insane when I'm on my own. Bye my Angels <3

Its coming back, I'm sure.

I swear, the nerve of some people at uni is unreal. I slept with this guy last thursday because he was being all sweet and caring for me after my trip to A&E and he was like 'I think we should be together in more than just a fucking way' which was a little bit surreal for me because people don't really like me and I was like 'shit, what do I even do now, my whole self perception has been blown up from one sentence.' I met his girlfriend saturday. The girlfriend he neglected to mention when he was saying we should get together. The girlfriend he neglected to mention when we were in bed. And then he tells me that he doesn't want her to 'change anything between us' like, seriously?! I can deal with people cheating on me, I can deal with people not wanting me to be anything more than a fuck, I can deal with abusive partners and I've finally dealt with my rape, but I cannot deal with being the one that's used to cheat on someone else. Are males mentally deficient or something? Not male hating here or anything, and I'm not lumping them all in the same boat, but he and his friends seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable/reasonable that he had a girlfriend and yet cheated on her and was trying to get with me. I've been throwing it around in my brain for days and I still don't understand their logic at all. I'm starting to think its me, and that I just give off this air of 'treat me like shit or use me to treat other's like shit, I don't care' like, that's got to be it, because I've had an unhealthy amount of people do both of these things, and most of my friends haven't, so maybe I'm the missing link I'm looking for, maybe they all get this vibe that treating me like a whore or a punching bag is okay, maybe I give that out inadvertently.
 I still don't feel myself after my little allergic reaction/asthma attack combo last week, my limbs are still extremely heavy to move and my lungs don't feel like they're working at their full capacity (which isn't really that much, but still, its more than this for sure) and my skin feels like there's an itch just under the surface that I cant quite get at. I know that last one is probably just a psychological thing because I don't know what caused my allergic reaction, but its concerning me a little, its never taken me this long to get over things, I'm usually up and running again a day after my asthma attacks, and it only takes me like 3 hours to get going after an allergic reaction, so the fact I'm still feeling like this almost a week after they occurred is worrying. I'm trying not to think about it because that's just going to make me worry about anything unusual that occurs, but its difficult to not think about it when its constantly in my face whenever I walk up the 4 flights of stairs to get to my flat (I'm used to walking up a steep hill so these stairs really shouldn't bother me at all but this week they are doing) or when I go to cook food for tea and realise I am literally feeling ill at the thought of it.
 Uni really isn't good for my 'eating disorder free' time, I'm really trying to eat regularly and healthily and not look at the calorie content or the fat content etc but its almost like my head was just waiting for the day that I got to uni to spring this back on me, like this disorder was waiting in the dark recesses of my mind for its chance, because it knew it'd have better control over me when it was just me looking after myself. I feel like I'm going to break and its terrifying. I hadn't heard/seen anything of those things in my head for a good 6+ months, but now they're always there. I've lost 20 pounds in the 3 and a 1/2 weeks I've been here, probably due to the exercise I constantly do, and the gym time, but its not helping anything. Like, yes, I'm still within the healthy weight boundaries and that's really good, but what about if I keep losing this weight, pretty soon I'm not going to be within those boundaries, and I can just see myself failing to maintain my resolve to lead a healthy life. I'll keep you posted but I might need you guys to help me stay on the right track if possible, because though I have a 'uni family' I am essentially alone here, and it would be so easy for me to de-rail all my hard work in one go because there's no one around to check on me. Bye my Angels <3 

First university unnecessary hater.

Got my first university 'hater' for no reason the other day, is that like a rite of passage or something? It was horrible though, no matter how much light I make of the situation now. I'd been super nice to this girl because she's one of my flat-mate's girlfriend, so I was like, lets be accommodating and friendly because we'll probably be seeing each other a lot in and outside of the flat. She literally only knows my name and hates me, I don't understand it, I'm not one of those people who say they've done nothing if they've done something, I don't see the point of not owning up to actions if you were intent on doing them in the first place you should always take accountability for them in my opinion, so when I say I have done nothing nasty or wrong to this girl, I genuinely mean I have done nothing (to my knowledge) that should cause this girl to hate me as much as she does. She excluded me from a friendly meet-up (that also included my friends and flat mate) the other day, just because she didn't like me, and what made it worse was that no one stood up for me or said 'no, she can stay, she's our friend' that was really shitty. I felt like my whole world was collapsing at the time, I was like "It's happening again, it doesn't matter where I go, how many new people I meet, I will always be that back-up friend that's not really a friend, people will always hate me regardless of how nice I am to them, there must be something inherently wrong with me to cause such hate in people that only know my name." As you can probably imagine years of anxiety from being bullied all rose to the surface in quite a violent way and I ended up finding release from the horrible thoughts in my head and the nauseating tears in a blade. It had been close to 8 months and my clean streak was ruined because I cannot contain or deal with nasty thoughts coming from others or from myself. I was eventually talked down from the (metaphorical) ledge (there aren't many ledges round here for me to climb onto) by my mother who explained that I was being "fucking stupid, everyone gets people in life that hate them for no good reason, even the most likeable people in the world." I needed her straight talk, I can always count on her to call me an idiot enough times until the message gets through that I'm acting irrationally and emotionally.
 Uni is starting to feel like a home to me, I miss my actual home and family so much, but I couldn't stay there forever and I'd accepted that I had to start making my own way in the world, without the comfort of a family household to come home to every night so I think that's why the adjustment period was reasonably painless. There are three other people in the flat that I consider to be a family to me, regardless of how they feel about me. Now they're in my life I don't know what I'd do if they suddenly weren't.
 The visit from my dad wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, he brought me food and gravy (because its almost impossible to find bisto down south, like, who even chooses to use oxo over bisto? Its unnatural) and disney plasters, because he saw them and decided he couldn't walk past them without getting them for his disney obsessed daughter. That was nice, I knew he'd been partially listening to me for the past 8 months he's really been in my life then, and he hadn't just been biding his time and pretending to care about what I had to say until he could get rid of me through uni. Its an odd feeling to know that he cares about me in his own way. I know and he knows that its going to take a lot to get past the fact he wasn't in my life really for the first 17 and a bit years of my life, but I think we're finally starting to move past that and mend some fences that I burned down at 16 and full of rage at the fact he'd never been in my life but was completely willing to be in this American's life and her child's. I think he finally understands how shitty he made me feel by leaving me fatherless for years, and only seeing me when he needed to parade me around to his friends or because his mother told him to. I could be completely wrong and he could just be playing the long game and planning on never seeing me again after I've had a year at uni, but I don't think he will, I hope he won't.
 Anyway, I have a boat load of reading to do. Bye my Angels <3

My new adventure.

I have been at university for a week and two days and it already feels like a home to me. My flat mates are already a family to me, they're so sweet and caring and funny and sarcastic (that was a big worry for me because I was afraid they'd all be straight laced and get offended every time I made a sarcastic comment or something) I understand what people mean now when they say that the friends you make in university stay with you your entire life, I can't imagine my life without these new additions to my family. I'm glad I get on with them so much really, because my brother didn't with his first flat mates and I was so afraid that everyone here was going to hate me. Freshers week was really good, I enjoyed it for the most part, I had a slight hiccup on the bar crawl night, I'm generally not good with lots of loud drunks and confined spaces and that night was no exception to that general rule. I had a mini anxiety attack (mini compared to ones I usually have) and had Amy come and sit outside with my whilst my body cried it out and dealt with the fear, she seemed cool about it and she has only mentioned it once in a jokey manner which I appreciate immensely because she could have just told everyone and made a massive deal out of it, but she didn't. I think one small blip on a whole week of events and drinking is pretty impressive myself, it shows I'm getting stronger, or more capable of dealing with things, or something like that so yay for me.
 I've found out I have no half term in October though, so I'm here until the 20th of December, that's kind of difficult, I was looking forward to seeing my family in the half term because I miss them all like crazy, but I guess I'll just have to stick it out and wait because there's nothing else I can really do, I cant justify the train fare for a three hour+ journey when I live on £5 a week and the train fare would blow maybe two months budget in one go.
 My father is coming to visit me on Saturday, I'm nervous about that. He's a massive trigger of mine, one of the biggest to be honest, and I know that if he pokes holes in my new resolve I'm likely to break again, and I really don't want to explain new cuts to my flat mates since they don't know about that part of my life at all and I want it to stay that way for as long as possible. I love my dad, I do, he's gotten better at being a dad lately, he doesn't take the piss out of my mum in front of me any more and he doesn't try to put me in the middle of any maintenance battles that are going on with the CSA like he used to do all the time. He's interested in my life and seemed genuinely proud of me for getting into university on my own he posted it all over online and was crying in front of me telling me how proud of me he was, so he really does seem like he's trying to be a better dad to me and I'm so glad about that because I need my dad in my life, I'm not going to try and lie to myself and say I don't, but I was getting to the end of my tether and it was getting to the point where I was so down every time I saw him that I was constantly seriously considering suicide because I just couldn't handle how he was treating me along with the massive pressure that was coming from my mum and being put in the middle of constant arguments that weren't actually any of my concern. I know fretting about seeing my dad is silly now he's trying harder, but it still makes me nervous, probably because of how I felt about it for years, I don't know.
 My nightmares have decreased slightly, I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with tears down my face and an image of my death in my mind, but they're less scream inducing now apparently because I haven't woken any of my flat mates up in the middle of the night with them, so that's good. I'm still not particularly happy about only being able to remember dreams where I die, but we cant pick and choose these things so I guess I'll have to grin and bare it.
 I joined the gym again yesterday, I feel confident enough that I won't go overboard on the exercise like I did last time, and anyway, new town new rules, the doctors cant exactly tell me no when I'm no longer in their care. I know I can handle it, I wasn't strong enough back then, but now I am, I can control myself. My flat mates that went with me were amazed though, apparently they'd never seen someone go for it at the gym like I did, they couldn't keep up with me, I didn't tell them that I'd been waiting for the day I could re-join a gym since year 11. They didn't need to know that, they'd get concerned. They were also amazed at my recovery time, they were on their backs for like half an hour after trying to keep up with me, I went at full speed for a good 45 minutes longer than them and only needed a 5 minute water break, had no muscle pain, and was ready to go again. I guess I still have some kind of stamina from when I used to go like 5 hours a day... If I couldn't keep the figure I think its only fair I retained something from those days besides niggling voices in my head and a warped view of myself. RIght?
 I'll try not to stay away as long this time, I've just had so much going on and so much new to get used to that it's been difficult to find time to post, or time where my thoughts are coherent enough to post. Wish me luck on my new adventure? Bye my Angels <3

Two days in counting.

I am not sure how I still have enough energy to sit and write this post, this week has been that hectic. I've finished my fast-track therapy now, she said she felt I was okay enough to let me go without contacting the counselling group at my university (yay) her confidence in me was a bit overwhelming, not many people have ever had confidence in me, like at all, and she made it known like it was the easiest thing in the world, that gave me a bit of confidence in myself, because if this woman I've only known a month or two has such blinding confidence in my ability to keep myself safe and healthy, then I must be kind of okay at it. I finished house/cat sitting for my nan yesterday, thank god for no more 4am wake up calls from the cat because it wants feeding. But today I had to wake up mega early because it was time to start sorting out the stuff I'm taking to university with me, and its a lot of stuff when I really look at it, it's a lot of stuff to prioritise and list and pack neatly. I'm still not done with uni packing, I have to do the other half of it tomorrow, so I don't have to get up at like 4am on saturday to finish it off before I go at 8. I am so excited to go, as it gets closer to saturday I'm having more difficulty sleeping and thinking about anything else other than getting there, unpacking in a room that I don't have to share with anyone, and meeting my flatmates, we've been speaking on things like Facebook for so long that its about time we finally met, its a long overdue meeting and I cannot wait for it at all. And then of course there's freshers week (or fortnight at places like my uni) my Psychology course which I'm looking forward to like crazy because its so interesting, new people, new sights, new everything, hell, even new rumours (and if you knew some of the old ones circling my home town about me, you'd understand why there was a need for new rumours) My sister is getting more upset each day, she left the room crying today when she saw all my stuff being boxed up, I know it will be difficult for her and I'm trying to make it as easy as possible, but I think she expected me to stay with her forever, and unfortunately I cant do that. I'll miss her, but there's a massive world out there and I've only ever lived in one tiny part of it, I've visited a lot of places for sure in comparison to most of the other people that live where I do, but in comparison to how many places there actually are to visit, in England alone, its like I've never left my town.
 Anyway, I have so much more packing and sorting to do, and my friend is coming over soon to say goodbye to me, so I'll have to leave you guys to your own devices. I hope you can forgive me for how terrible this post actually was, my stress is making my thoughts jumbled and nonsensical. Bye my Angels <3

Ready is a mindset that I just don't possess.

The closer I get to leaving my home town, the more nervous I get. I've been looking forward to leaving since I was old enough to comprehend what university was and that I didn't have to do it from home, but as the days have ebbed away until there's only 12 left to go I cant shake the feeling that anxiety's trying to drown me in its uncertain waters. If I am thinking logically I know I have nothing to worry about regarding university. I already know a few people and I have a few plans to meet up with some of these people when we all get to uni so we don't all feel like lonely bugs who've moved away from the nest in the roots of the tree to a branch way far up it. I like at least two of my flat mates, so I won't be bullied by all of them for the full year I'm there. The area surrounding the university looks different and not awful (though its not as picturesque as my countryside town, I wasn't planning on it being so that's okay) My course content looks good and my timetable doesn't look stupidly over-filled so I can join a society if I want to, and still have time to revise and do my work. I don't know what it is that has me threatening to jump ship, its probably just the moving jitters added to my normal, constant ones, but maybe my gut is trying to tell me something. I went on a gut instinct when I applied to Northampton, I'd never visited, never considered it in my top 5 list until like a week before deadline date for the UCAS application, and when I saw it and read about it, and it all fit my criteria/check-list, something inside just clicked and I knew that if I was going to go to university then I was going to try and make sure I went to this one, a gut instinct was all I needed to convince me of my decision (as they're usually 100% accurate) but what if its not accurate this time and I'm moving 3+hours away from my home to a place that's not going to be right for me? I'm doubting all my gut decisions lately, because I don't know whether I'll be right about this university one, its throwing me off balance so badly.
 I went and saw the therapist lady again this morning (A 6am wake up to see her at 9am was not the best, but) She tried to touch on my past 'relationships' and I freaked out a bit, I closed off from her because they're too painful to even think about, I'd rather live in denial about the amount of times I've been abused than talk openly and in detail about it to someone I don't know actually cares yet... You know? She's lovely and all, and has a very likeable personality, hell, she even smokes which is hilarious when we talked about 'damaging behaviour' today and we had like a ten minute conversation about why smoking is good for stress but also totally not good for it. I could see myself opening up to this lady, if I only had more time. 3 sessions is not enough to develop a therapist-patient relationship enough to divulge all the dirty little secrets of my past, not by a long shot, it took me like 6 months to tell (Fire) I was cutting again, and we'd had a year of that kind of relationship.
 I haven't spoken to my best friend in a while, I think she's purposely pulling away because I'm leaving, and I do not have time to deal with another person's insecurities right now, I'm too busy trying to squash my own and get mentally prepared for university. (I know that sounds mean, and I love her to pieces, but right now I wish we could focus on me a little more than her, I mean, its not like she's attempted to contact me either...) I wouldn't have started feeling like this had she not ditched me at the pub the other day, first she sat away from me all night, and then she left with her 'its complicated boyfriend' without saying a word. I was petrified for her, I didn't know what had happened, that is until I realised he had left too and she'd gone to a party with him without saying a single thing to me, the person she'd gone to the pub with. So I stopped making all the effort after that because I'm sick of being the only one properly invested in a friendship, and her leaving with a guy, without saying a word, after sitting with him all night in the first place, just highlighted that I cared more about the friendship than she did. (I hope you guys don't think I'm just being a crazy bitch or something? Because it actually really hurt me, and got me thinking about all the other times I'd cared more about the friendship than she had, which when I thought about it, was a whole heap of times)
 I got a new phone finally! I can finally make and receive calls off speaker (You don't realise how big of a deal that is until you've had people listening in to your conversations for over a year)
 Anyway, my head is starting to stress again (a lot) so I'm going to leave you guys with my ramblings and hope some of you care enough to read them and maybe reassure me that everything will be fine and that I won't have to cut off contact with my best friend altogether because of her lack of emotional investment (Hell, even call me a bitch for being so self-obsessed if you can give me your reasoning, I really don't know how to handle that situation, and if I try to talk to her I'm sure she'll either get really mad at me, or try and ignore it, or even not understand how much she's hurt me, so please, other suggestions than 'talk to her'?) Bye my Angels <3 

So much to say.

Sorry about my lapse in posts lately, I've been super busy and super emotional so every post I tried to write just ended up as a jumble of words. I have a lot of news though, so maybe the amount in this post will make up for the ones I've missed? Who knows. Anyway!
 First thing's first, I got into university. (This is a really big deal) I got into university all on my own, I didn't go through clearing or get given a place because the course wasn't full enough at the end of clearing, I got in on the merit of my own grades, I got exactly what I needed and I am so proud of myself. I didn't think I was even remotely smart enough to get a B and 2 C's, but I did it, I am prouder of those grades than I was of my GCSE ones, because not only did I beat my brother's A level grades, but I got into uni! (I'm going to keep coming back to that phrase because its so unbelievable to me, its the biggest achievement of my life.) I felt really bad for a lot of my friends, because even a whole bunch of the super smart ones like (Angel) and (Z) and (S) weren't satisfied with their grades, they didn't get what they wanted, what was expected of them, what they needed for their first choice uni's, I know this is selfish but I really wish they had have done, because I couldn't really even celebrate my success because all my friends were unhappy with their marks and I knew they felt like I was gloating as it is, but I don't think they realise that those grades were the proudest moment of my life, I wasn't gloating, I was shocked and insanely happy and finally proud of myself. Its been 4 days and I still haven't gotten over my shock, I keep expecting a phone call saying 'those weren't your real grades, there was a mix up, you failed all of your A levels.' But so far nothing like that has happened so I'm having to accept that maybe this is real life. So yeah, I'm travelling down the country in a month's time, away from my nice rural town in the middle of the hills, to Northampton, hours away from everyone and everything I know and love. I couldn't be more excited, or scared...You know me, I've been given a month to think about how much people could hate me and what could go wrong, but I'm not going to let that happen, this is my fresh start, its my new beginning, its time for me to stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong, stop being so negative and start enjoying myself. My only responsibility in Northampton will be to myself, and that'll be good for me, I can live by my own rules, set my own timetables, buy my own food, come home from the pub when I feel like it, its all free reign for me to decide. That is the single most petrifying and exhilarating thought ever, I can finally have some freedom.
 Another thing that happened was that I let myself feel for a guy, found out my best friend also felt for him, and he chose her (like always) that hurt like hell. It wasn't a shock to me though, she's perfect, she's pretty and smart and funny and kind and wonderful and normal and so much more than I could ever be. They always pick her, I literally cannot compare to her at all, maybe they see me for a split second as a possibility, but then they see her and I'm not even an afterthought. I shouldn't let it hurt me as much as I do, I don't think she means for them to all choose her and for her to like the people I like so I have no chance of getting them, its not her fault, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. I just keep worrying that if I get a boyfriend at uni, when he meets her, he's not going to want me any more, he'll be just like all the rest of them, and I'll just have to deal with it. Its just not fair any more, why I couldn't even be slightly okay looking, and why she got all of the pretty in the world is beyond me.
 The dreaded date also came and went by, there were several tears and it was so much harder to deal with this year than the years prior, but its gone now for another year, and no one at uni will have to know about it because it doesn't fall in term time (small mercies) No one will have to know about anything I don't want them to, I will not be looked at like damaged goods any longer. That's the plan anyway...
 My dad is supposed to be taking me shopping on Saturday, for uni clothes and other things I will need. I have to admit he's being super good to me this year, I'm still wary of him, but 18 years of distrust doesn't go away easily, I'm enjoying spending time with him while I can, I don't expect it to last, it never has before, but for now he's acting like a dad and its so nice. I didn't realise how much I wanted a dad until I finally had one who wanted to know me, it's bizzare how I could block out that want really. (Z) is also coming shopping with me, because she understands how hopeless I am at shopping for flattering clothes, and appreciates that I will literally just buy tonnes of jumpers without guidance, so that should be fun, I don't know when I'll see her again after that, because we're both going to uni's far away from each other and we don't live near each other now anyway, so it'll be nice to have a day with just her out of our friendship group, we had fun last time so it should be good this time too. Anyway, how is everyone? I hope okay. I'll write again sooner next time (hopefully). Bye my Angels <3

I need your help, please?

Resisting the urge to cut during this difficult period is probably one of the toughest things I've had to do in a long time. (and my A-Level History exam was really tough but this still beats that) I haven't done it in a good few months, I stopped counting around month two because I realised every day I counted I was getting more and more anxious about how long it had been since I last did it. I know my last cut was in may though, most of them have turned white now, there's only one/two that are the angry reddy-purple colour and they were the really deep ones from may. I honestly don't know how I'm coping without my only decent coping mechanism, I'm getting more and more uptight the closer it gets to the 13th and I am awake each night now weighing up the pro's and con's of slice and dicing- the con's seem to be dwindling in number the closer I get to that date. I'm going to write the ones I have on here and then maybe if you guys think of a really crucial one you can let me know it so I can add it to the list? Just a thought, but maybe I wouldn't feel like I was about to spiral out of control again if my list wasn't falling apart at an alarming rate...
 My con's are: 1, I'm going to uni in september and I'll have to share a bathroom there, if people see recent cuts on my body they might dub me a freak and my whole uni experience will be terrible. 2, I'll be letting down the people who tried to help me out this last year if I fall back into that pattern. 3, I've just started liking the way I look again, going back into that pattern could damage my tiny bit of new-found confidence. 4, If the person I Like sees new cuts on me he'll ditch me for sure because then I won't be worth his time, because I'll be too weak and pathetic for him to deal with.
 As you can see the list is pretty small, in fact its really small, I can easily throw doubt on 4 con's in like a day and its worrying as hell because if that actually happens by this time tomorrow I could be back on the bandwagon I don't want to be riding. I know its pathetic of me to ask you guys to help me out a bit, but I'm pretty much desperate right now, and aside from calling up a helpline this was all I could think of. Bye my Angels <3

23 Days.

I'm supposed to be going for a meeting with someone new in the first week of august. I'd forgotten all about the 'new lady' I'd been meeting at college, and I'd especially forgotten how she had said she was going to have her colleague get in touch with me. I'm nervous, I've never seen this woman in my life, never heard of her, can't find a picture of her on the internet or anything like that to ease my mind about this woman. She has an interesting telephone voice, the kind that I imagine can be so much more irritating in person if she chose for it to be by talking to me like a 4 year old...
 The weather in england has been exceedingly hot which is bizzare considering england really isn't famous for its nice weather, or even its decent weather. But today it was 32 degrees where I live (That might not seem hot, but I'm used to and comfortable with 8 degrees so...) I shouldn't complain about nice weather, but it makes me ill so its a little harder for me to enjoy it. As long as my massive sunglasses stay perched on my nose and I take a steady course of painkillers throughout the day I don't get my migraines, I learnt that trick the hard way. However I can't stop the sun from getting to my skin when I'm out in it, because I cant very well wear cardies in 32 degree heat. So of course I'm getting killer stomach pains and skin rashes and general tired/ill feeling-ness and I'm not impressed with it.
 My mood has been moderate. The people in my house have been fighting a lot and its difficult to keep myself cheery, if we add that to my increasing illness and decrease in mental stimulation now my college course is over its very difficult to keep my mind from crossing over that thin line between moderate and bad. So far I've managed though.
 I have 23 days left until I find out whether I have gotten into uni or not and I'm so anxious its killing me. 23 days is a long time to dwell on the fact I may well have just failed the last two years of my life and am therefore a complete waste of space, probably going to be disowned by my family, or ridiculed by my brother for the rest of my life to the point where I want to die anyway. I cannot stand waiting. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3 

On the up and up.

My mood lately can only be described as excellent, which is bizarre considering my mood hasn't been excellent in as long as I can remember. I don't know why I feel this good, I can guess at possible reasons for sure, but nothing substantial has happened to cause my mood to drastically alter. I've finished college now, that could be the reason, I don't have any exams to worry about or any revision to do now. But then I'm so nervous about going to university so logically that shouldn't be the reason for my mood to be upped. And when I say nervous I am not sure the word meets up to the level of nerves in me about moving down to Northampton in September. That is a long way from home, a long way from any of my family, a long way to go to not know anyone and have to start from scratch. I'm worried I won't have enough money, I won't make any friends, I'll fail my course miserably, I'm just worried for anything that could possibly go wrong. But then I'm also so so so excited. I have never been this excited in my life, I get to go and have my own life, where I make the rules to follow, and I choose the food to eat, that might not seem good to some people, but to me its like a dream come true. I am finally getting my freedom, I can stay up until 3am on the internet and walk around my room naked if I feel like it. People take their freedom for granted, but not me, I am going to take every bit of it I get and do what I want to do with it.
 I get my tattoo tomorrow, I should be worried about that, I know I should be concerned about the pain, that's supposed to be sort of a given, but I'm not. I know it probably won't be that painful, it most certainly won't be the most painful thing I've ever experienced, I'm not saying I think it will be a walk in the park, it'll probably sting a bit or something, but I'm pretty sure I can handle any sort of pain that comes my way, and I'll have a lovely little owl on my back by the end of it. (I know that's sort of a common thing to have, but there's a hell of a lot of meaning behind it and I'm not going into it right now but trust me, its not just me deciding to be generic with my choice of tattoo)
 I have a whole summer to spend with my friends, enjoying myself, relaxing, and probably crying, because this lot of friends are the best ones I've ever had and I'm going to miss them something fierce when I move down the country and they all stay relatively close to where we live now. I think that'll break my heart the most, obviously leaving my family is going to be tough as anything, because I'm close to my family, but leaving my friends, particularly my best friend (Angel) (Not her real name, I'm sure you've cottoned on to my system by now) is going to be so hard. (Angel) Is the best thing in the world, she's like my soul mate in the least sexual way possible, I love her to pieces, and in ways that I never thought I was capable of. She is like a second sister to me and every time I think about leaving her my heart feels like its breaking already. Every other best friend I've had in my life pales in comparison to her, its obvious that they weren't really the best of best friends for me when they're compared with (Angel) she is irreplaceable and I don't know what I'll do when she realises I'm not fabulous and drops me for someone better, not that I think she's like that, but I can see it happening because I'm so shit compared to her. But yeah, so leaving her will be difficult, probably the most difficult thing I've done in a while. I am not giving her up without a fight, I might be moving away but I'm not forgetting her and I am not going to let her forget me. She's just recently got a boyfriend though and I don't want to intrude on their time together, because she really likes him and I don't want them to break up because they didn't see each other enough and that be my fault, however he's not moving that far away and I'm moving down south and I feel like I maybe need to spend a bit more time with (Angel) because I won't get to see her as much after september as he will, yes that's a selfish reason, but I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can whilst I still can. I obviously haven't told her this because her happiness is important to me, and if seeing her boyfriend is making her happy then I'm not going to stop that.
 I have been able to read so much too. Books I want to read, instead of books I had to read to pass my course. I've maybe gone overboard slightly on amazon's 'free kindle books' section and just downloaded them all. (Just because I don't have money to buy books doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy them-even if a lot of the free ones are not proof read at all) I haven't been able to escape the world through reading in such a long time, I've always had to be tethered to the world because I'll be reading books to write essays on etc, but now I can just fly away on the imagination of someone else and its the best part of my day (even if it is usually at 2am)
 Because of my excellent mood that's probably at like 6 on the scale of 0-10 that I can only usually ever get to 1 on at most, I haven't cut in weeks, a big deal since I went back to doing it every night, sometimes more than one sitting of it a night. I haven't had any negative thoughts about myself (other than the normal ones like; 'fucking hell, why did I buy that dress a size smaller to motivate myself, my boobs are never going to fit that thing, regardless of how much weight I lose!'--Actually really proud of these kinds of thoughts because usually they're more along the lines of 'fuck I put a pound on I'm just going to go and slice myself up a bit and then bleed out in the bath, all american horror story style.') Everything is really looking up for me right now, and there's absolutely no reason for it at all, which makes it better, because then that reason can't be taken away from me and make me spiral back into my pit. Maybe my life is finally on the up and up, and I can be happy, I'd like to know what that feels like again, I cannot remember even the slightest hint about what being happy is like, but I think I might know soon enough. Bye my Angels <3

...

Seems to sum up my current mood nicely.

I keep using lipbalms I am allergic to on my lips. I'm told its reckless of me to tempt fate like that, that its stupid because one day I'll have a major allergic reaction instead of my lips just swelling slightly and going a touch redder. I don't know why I do it, maybe one part rebellion, one part determination and one part fool. I know I don't want to let the fact I'm allergic to tons of stuff get in the way of me doing what I want to do, so that could be my reasoning, its not harming me too much, like my lips tingle for a bit and obviously the swelling isn't great if it gets out of hand but compared to other reactions I have its a pretty tiny one that actually works in my favour sometimes. I feel that first sentence accurately sums up my attitude towards life right now; I just keep doing things that might damage me, understanding they might damage me, and continuing to do them. Like maybe some of the behaviours on their own aren't too damaging, like my little lipbalm reaction, and smoking, but all together these things probably aren't fabulous for me. 
 I have my first exam tomorrow, its a resit for one I've already passed so I'm not too stressed about it, for once, which is a nice change because I'm always usually so stressed about my first exam of a season. I'm obviously super stressed about my exams, but the one tomorrow I didn't even need to do so its not top priority for stressing about.
 My mood is pretty low down on the scale, I'm trying to stay optimistic in my low-ness, but its difficult, I'd say I'm about 0.5 ish, not the lowest I've ever been (obviously or I wouldn't have suicide attempts) but still not the highest of my lifetime either. I'm content in my stress, but content is all, I'm not happy, not completely sad, just, middle ground. Bye my Angels <3

A new lady to 'help' in old ways.

I told the college lady about everything that has been going on over the past two months or so, she said sorry and all that stuff people normally say when you lose someone, or two, but she didn't pity me, it was lovely. I didn't want her pity when I told her these things and she didn't give it me. I felt like she knew at that point in time that pitying me would not be the right option, because it was obvious I was a centimetre away from crying my eyes out and not stopping ever. There's a new lady that comes into college too, one that is actually trained in these things, they brought her in especially for the exam time stress, but I'm seeing her next thursday. She's going to try and help me with CBT (because that's helped so much before) but I'm open to trying, because right now I'm so numb but in pain I'm doing everything to try and make it stop or change and the recklessness has to stop, for my own safety. I'm not sure how I can be numb but in pain, it doesn't make sense and it certainly doesn't feel good, like my body is screaming in agony but my mind is just, disconnected from it, like there is a very real fear of acknowledging it because its going to crush me into tiny pieces if I let the pain into my head. I need a rock, someone sturdy to depend on, but I feel like I only have myself, like sure I have my friends, I have my closest friends like (Cinderella will be my closest friend's name now) I have her for sure, and I have other close friends like (Z) and then I have people that know things about me like (A) and (J-the one who stole my heart and crushed it) and then obviously I have just normal friends that think everything is fine and I don't tell them things, but I don't feel like it would be fair just crying on any of them for a few hours and then using them for the hugs etc that I would need to bring my mood back up to deal-with-able levels. It wouldn't be right or nice or fair of me.
 As you can probably imagine after talking, properly talking, about everything I'm at about 0.1. My mind is on dark thoughts, things I haven't thought about in a while. I didn't think my mind would ever find its way back to thoughts like those, but unfortunately here I am again. I feel so lost. Bye my Angels <3

Groups of list of threes.

Okay, so I know I've been a bit MIA lately, I apologise, but a lot of stuff has happened since my last post and dealing with it has been difficult, I haven't been able to find the write words to write about it all, so I've avoided it, but now I'm going to write it all out regardless of whether it makes sense or not because its killing me a little bit. It is true, in my experience that bad things happen in threes, but unfortunately it is never specified how many groups of threes happen at any one time, that essential bit of information that says that yes, bad things are all linked together in a nice list of three, but you can have so many list of three's at one time you're like a badly written descriptive poem. You guys already knew that one of my closest friends and I haven't spoken in a while, since he told me he had 'outgrown' me, and I went back into college thinking that it would hurt a lot seeing him, but it really doesn't, I thought that was going to be the worst thing to happen this term, that I'd got my bad luck out before I went back to college so I shouldn't get any more now for another term, I thought wrong.
 I went to the doctors two nights ago for a check up because I haven't been feeling right, so whilst I was there I asked if he could do anything about my joint pain, because its getting worse and now my legs are actually having difficulty functioning properly. So he sits me down on that stupid bed thing they have in the offices and he starts smacking at my joints with one of those little hammer things and I'm just sitting there having my joints smacked at by a hammer, and then he takes bloods from me (which is awful because I'm so scared of needles that I cry every time they take them from me, it doesn't even hurt that much, it just scares me) and at the end he asks me if I have arthritis in the family, and I say yes, on both my mum's and my dad's side, and he goes I'm fairly sure this is the onset of osteoarthritis, there's not really much I can do about it, you'll just have to deal with it. Now, I've known my joints were awful for ages so that wasn't anything unbearable to me, but then I stood up to leave and collapsed and hit my head, because I hadn't eaten anything proper in at least two days, so once I wake up he goes 'you're not eating again huh?' and I'm like 'I normally am, but lately I'm really stressed with exams and I haven't been feeling well anyway so eating makes me throw up' and he looks at me and goes 'I'm putting eating disorder back on your list of diagnoses' It was heartbreaking, I'd literally worked so hard to get that off of there and just because I was feeling ill one time and couldn't hold anything down I'm now back on it. I wouldn't mind but I don't exactly look like I have one any more, I've put on weight and everything by their request and now just like that I'm back on that list I tried so hard to get off. I told my friends it was the fact I was told about this arthritis that upset me, they don't know about the other diagnosis, I don't know what I'd say, how to say it to them, what they'd think of me, I'm fairly sure they all thought I was better, hell, I thought I was better, but now thanks to a doctor's rash actions no other doctor is going to think I'm better for such a long time. So that sucked.   THEN, yesterday I got a call from an ex of mine, one who cheated on me with one of my closest friends because they were 'in love', he asked how I was, how everything was, how she was. He didn't even know that Molly had killed herself. I had to tell him, he didn't even care. He cheated on me for love, well, some love if he didn't even know that crucial fact about her life status. So that made me cry, because obviously it brought up unresolved pain from the time he did it, and anger at myself because of why Molly did it, again. That sucked too. And then, the final thing on my list of three for the week goes as follows; I had my heart broken by a guy who's done the exact same thing to me once before, a male I thought would treat me differently this time. I thought maybe he wouldn't use me as a bit of fun until he got a girlfriend who was better than me this time, but I was wrong, that is all I am to people. (That's not self pity, my facts always sound like I'm pitying myself but I'm not, I'm just dealing with the hand I've been dealt, get me?) It was so painful, it still is so painful, everyone says he doesn't deserve my time, especially since I gave him the time again after he'd already broken me before, but I just feel like I'm the one that doesn't deserve him. Like I'm the inadequate one, because this guy can tell me he likes me twice, and then get another girlfriend, just like that, without caring. The worst thing is, this girlfriend is perfect, she's stunning and funny and witty and pretty and everything I will never be, I know exactly why he picked her over me. I just wish people would stop pretending like they care about me, just to watch how amusing of a reaction it is when I break. True, I'm no china doll, but (believe it or not) I do have feelings, and they do break when they're messed around with. I can shatter just as easily as any of those girls who cry all the time, I just don't let people see me break as often.
 So see, can you forgive my absence? I have been trying (and failing) to deal with a broken heart, the loss of friends (both by death and by abandonment) and stupid ex's mingled with illnesses. My poor body hasn't been able to cope, I haven't been able to write coherently, or think properly, or stop crying at night long enough to post. I will try not to be away as long again next time. Bye my Angels <3

They won't think its their fault then.

Do you ever just hear what people you thought were your friends think of you, actually think of you, and wonder why it was you didn't succeed in killing yourself? Turns out, I was right, I am the reason everyone hates themselves and chooses suicide over being around me. Someone who I thought was actually a really close friend has been harbouring hatred for me for probably some time now, and only this weekend was I made aware of it. Turns out he's been slagging me off for ages behind my back, with anyone that would listen. I'm not surprised, I'm not even angry at the fact, it just made me question why on earth I ended up staying here if even people I'm supposed to be close with hate my guts. I don't think I know how to be mad at people other than myself any more, which is probably why finding this fact out didn't upset me, because I had been telling myself it would happen since we became friends. There was one thing I disagreed with though, out of everything that was said, apparently I always need drama, I cause it when there is none, I don't know how many of you out there are in college like I am and going through issues, but those of you that are will know that the last thing you want in your life is crappy college drama, you don't want to be taken for a fool of course, so you stand up for yourself, but you don't actively seek drama when your mind is so full of other stuff that's tearing you apart, right? I don't know whether that was something this person actually believed or whether they were just mad and saying anything and everything, but I actually think compared to most people at college, who get involved in other people's business, relationships, arguments etc, I avoid drama like its the plague. I don't know if that's just my opinion of myself though, I could be really wrong, but as far as I'm aware, I tend to tell people to stop getting involved in people's relationships, or remain in my seat when people are having arguments, now that's not to say I don't listen and try to help when people come to me asking what to do about an argument or something, but I don't think I actively seek it out. But that's the only thing that bothered me about losing this friend, sure it'll be odd not talking to them, or hugging them for the strength to get through the day, and I don't know what it will be like at college, I'll probably be isolated from my friendship group, because everyone loves this person and I'm that afterthought friend. However, in the long run it will be better for them than being my friend ever could, so I'm not sad or mad or glad, I'm indifferent to it I think, there's too many pro's of him not being my friend that I'm not going to beg for him to come back, because he'll be better off. I am not some completely selfless person at all, I can be selfish as hell, but when it comes to people I consider/considered friends, I don't want to hold them back from doing things that will make them happy, and enough of them have decided I'm not a person that does that (as was pointed out to me by this person) so it must be true, meaning that they'll be so much better off when I'm not getting in their way. My other friend tried to battle my case to him, saying it wasn't fair what he was saying etc apparently, but I told her I wasn't worth ruining her friendship over, I'm just waiting until she realises that for herself so she'll leave as well. I'm thinking once she realises I'm a shit friend too and leaves me be, none of them will think its their fault when I go, because its getting really bad again and I don't want any of them to blame themselves if I cant find the strength to hold on, but they won't if they decide they don't want to be around me. That fact comforts me more than it probably should. Well, even if they don't decide on that, I'll be leaving them for another part of the country soon, so they won't have to think about me ever again. They'll get rid of me either way. They won't be held back by me for much longer, I won't be the one that changes them beyond recognition soon. No more pain caused by me will they have to endure, they just need to wait like 6 weeks. Bye my Angels <3

Breakdown bruising.

I had a breakdown at number 8 on the severity scale last night. It was pretty damn terrifying. I'm 99.9% sure I pushed away another one of my close friends and I am 100% sure that these bruises forming on my skin are not because I fell out of bed, guess I've found yet another way that I harm myself when I'm dying. I'm also 110% sure that these gouges on my thigh are going to scar nastily. I just don't know what to do, I am so lost.I don't know if this is how I grieve or what, I've grieved before, but not like this, if that's what this is. I'm no stranger to people dying on me, but this time its like half of me was ripped away; maybe literally by the looks of my skin. I've heard that I'm supposed to hate Molly for this, that its one step on the road to getting over grief or something, but I'm not sure that step counts if you're the reason they killed themselves. I imagine this hate I have for myself replaces the hate I should have for her. I've found myself doing copious amounts of exercise again, counting everything in my meals again, spending large amounts of time standing over the sink again. Drinking, smoking, pill popping, they're all back in also. This is maybe the worst pity party I've ever thrown for myself. I cannot sleep properly at all, I'm getting like 15 minutes a night, and even then I'm plagued with horrible dreams. I'm actually surprised that I have made it through the nights so far, I am shocked that I haven't decided enough was enough, that I've hurt too many people, its my turn to be hurt. But then again, staying alive like this is painful as hell, a quick escape from it probably just wouldn't have the same degree of pain necessary to make me pay. I wish I could curl up small enough to completely disappear. That would be great. Bye my Angels <3