Sorry for being so shit.

I hate that awful moment that happens everyday where you think you're doing okay and that you're wanted in life and then you realise you're fat and ugly and actually you could leave your friendship group, could leave the planet and absolutely no one would give a shit about it. At the moment I've been on the same level for days, I've been a 1. I've noticed that the lower I feel the better I get at hiding everything, at avoiding conversations about myself and helping other people, if I ever do get to become a counsellor I'll have to stay at 1 to help people to the best of my ability. The worst thing is about this mood is that I have no one to talk to about anything, no one who would understand or at least try and comfort me, none of my friends have been picked for that ability, they've all been picked for the simple fact that they like to keep conversations focused on themselves and away from other people, the perfect friends for hiding my pain in plain sight. I hate that everything I do is planned, sometimes not even consciously, my brain just sets to work thinking up new ways of hiding everything. I'm not sure what I'll do next month, I have this party and wedding and I'm wearing a short(ish) dress and I really hope it doesn't show of my scars. I'll obviously be wearing tights but if I get drunk at the party and take them off I hope they don't show, they'd be hard to explain. I sort of hope I don't get drunk because I don't want to be a whore with people from college, I mean, it'd be fun, but the repercussions at college would be...disastrous. I miss having someone to talk to, I mean, I know I talk to this and I know sometimes I get reply's but its not the same as talking to someone. I used to talk to my best friend (E) but now a days she doesn't seem to want to talk to me, doesn't seem to care whether I exist or not, I knew we'd grow apart one day but I hoped it'd be later on in life. I wish I knew why I felt so awful, wish I knew how to combat it, I just feel like my body is trying to find a nice way to kill itself. I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate for a few hundred years until this goes away. But then again, this is what I deserve so its about time I just faced this and dealt with it like everyone else has to. My thoughts aren't coherent or structured tonight and I apologise, I'm sorry for being so shit. Bye my Angels <3

A matter of life or death.

I wish I wasn't so bloody insecure about my body, that I could either be really thin and like it or just like myself as I am like 'fat amy' from pitch perfect. But I am insecure, really insecure. When I get thin (which I'm working on) I'm sure I'll feel better about myself. I think I annoyed one of my friends the other day, he's one of the ones I occasionally have fun with because he's no strings, no commitment, simple. But he wanted to try something different, he wanted to 'go down' on me (I really hate that phrase but its so much better than all of the other ones people use) and I cant deal with people doing that. Last time someone did that was during the Incident and they got their lighter out and burnt all the side of my leg at the top of my thigh, I think they were actually aiming for my vagina but they missed so I have this ugly scar now from the burns and every time someone tries to do that I just freak out a little bit, flashbacks are a bitch. I wish I actually trusted someone enough to share all of this with them, all of my problems, my flaws, but they wouldn't understand, they'd judge me or laugh at me, call me a freak or tell everybody. I wish I was simple, didn't have to deal with these complications. Or at least only had one thing wrong with me like that, I reckon someone could write a book on freaks and I'd be in it. You know, I think I've only given this blog out to 4 people and all of them have forgotten about it I'm sure, I'm not sure why I gave it them really, maybe I thought they'd understand, they'd care, they didn't. I knew they wouldn't, on some level I knew I would always be alone with this, I've made it that way, stopped people from really being allowed to see me, stopped them from asking questions, from caring, pushed them away but kept them close enough so they think they know me, I'm good at that. My friend tried to commit suicide yesterday, she texted my friend (because I don't have a phone) the word I told her to use if she knew she was actually going to do it, I had to skip psychology, I hope my teacher understands but this actually was a matter of life and death. I don't feel happy about saving her, I feel awful, I should have seen the signs sooner, if I hadn't been so busy focusing on college work I would have spotted them, I could have done something about it but I didn't and she got half way over the edge before I could be there for her. I'm at like, 1 on the scale today, that is not good, I should be better than that but I'm not. Oh well, at least everyone is safe for now. Bye my Angels <3

The calming clarity of cutting in a carriage.

There's a certain kind of calming clarity I get when cutting in an empty carriage on a train. The whole world is passing you by so quickly but you can get yourself into focus. I don't think I could ever cut with people around me because that's just begging for the attention, you couldn't be more obvious if you were swinging around a big flag with 'cutter' on it and pointing to your wrist, but at the back of the train all on my own, its like my own little secret hidden from the world in plain sight, but no one would ever stop to look long enough, its perfect. I never used to cut on my arms, I could avoid it by cutting lots on my hips at nights, but just lately I've been waking up to chaos in the cranium. I try and avoid my arms because they're so obvious and if I forget and take off my jumper/cardie that day I'm screwed but sometimes I just need the release and my hips are too far away to get to in time. Something weird, almost like instinct takes over and it doesn't matter where or how deep I do it, it just has to be done exactly then. Apparently 100 star jumps takes off 1 pound, I did not know that, so if I do like, 14000 star jumps in a week along with my normal exercise I'll be a stone lighter each week, I know it will never work out like that but it makes it sound so much easier to lose all of the weight on me, that extra motivation. I have a dilemma, on the 25th of next month I have a wedding, and a party. The wedding is 'posh' and the party is a time for me to wear slutty dresses, I'm not sure there is a possible way that I am going to be able to pull off finding two dresses to match the same pair of shoes and make-up. There is no way I can wear a posh formal dress to a slutty party. Why do people always put events on the same day, they should plan around me, that way, I can always attend everything. And I know what I'd be doing at the wedding, I'd be sat at the back of the room dealing with my 'autistic' cousin screaming because the attention isn't on him and then I'd have to take him out of the church because he was disrupting too much and then I'd get dagger eyes for the rest of the evening because I was with the child that caused all the commotion at the wedding. I need a new dress regardless so at least I have two excuses... My father comes back on wednesday, he didn't tell me, I found out via my grandad. I don't want to see him, he gave up the right to see me when he told me I'd been 'brainwashed' into being against him because I told him that he was going against the law avoiding the CSA. Now I'm his 'brainwashed offspring I wonder which country he'll run to next to get away from me, maybe Syria, he'll get himself shot or something just so he doesn't have to be near me (not trying to make light of a bad situation/war-zone there but that is something he would actually do) People keep saying its his loss, that he's missing out, I don't see it, there's nothing special about me, he's not missing anything, I'm just another worthless nobody. Bye my Angels <3 

She made me Feel and I threw that away, silly me.

For a long time now its felt like if I say I 'love' someone I'm giving up some part of my, I'm taking down one of my many walls of protection and I'm making it easier for people to hurt me. Sometimes on my bad days, I don't think I have the right to feel love, I don't have the right to have that emotion in my bank, its not on the cards for me because fuck-ups don't deserve happiness. I feel that because the males in my life that should 'love' me don't, none of them that I meet ever will, that I cant be cared for that way, and maybe that's true, maybe I'm too much of a self-sabotager for people to put up with me long enough to feel anything more than attraction to my boobs. But today, I realised that there are a select few people in this world I really do feel really strongly towards. I think, being honest with myself, that's why I sabotaged the relationship I had with my friend (E). I got so scared that I actually felt so strongly towards something after being this numb empty shell for so long that I processed it the only way I could, as something that was going to hurt me. And because of that thought process I hurt (E) instead, I know she's never quite forgiven me for that. I think, regardless of what type of love it is, I will probably always love her, she is one of the few people I don't feel like I'm kidding myself when I say that word about her. (Yes, she was a girl, the best kind of girl, judge if you want but I don't care, you would most likely want her as well if you saw her and knew what an amazing person she is) Do you ever feel like that though? Like you don't know what to do about an emotion that's completely unexpected and raw and new to you? Surely I cant be the only one that chose the flight response instead of staying and fighting for what I wanted. For a while now I've been basing what I can and cant have on my past, on the people and the events in my past that made me feel worthless and unwanted, unable to have happiness. When really, I should have been basing them on that raw feeling she gave me, because at that point in time, I did feel like I deserved something more than I was allowing myself. I don't know how I'd react if she ever read this and talked to me about it, what I'd say, she'd probably hate me and I couldn't blame her, so in a way I'm sort of glad that I think she's forgotten I have this, however I'm also pretty sad because I think she probably deserves to know this, conflicted. I'm definitely going to cut tonight, I actually cried today, not just the 5 minute crying to pull oneself together but the 2 hour long fat tears that destroy your make-up and leave you looking like quasimodo. Sometimes, I really hate emotions, I think someone should take them from me. Bye my Angels <3

Can you just not take the piss out of me for one night? Please?

I hate bullies, people who constantly take the piss out of me. I hate how they feel the need to make fun of everything I do, always. Most of all though, I hate how much I allow them to get to me, I cant even help it, I try to ignore it but I cant. Hate is such a strong word but it is the only one accurate enough to describe how I feel about these people. I think what makes it so much worse is that they don't do things to my face, or even behind my back, they do it online for the world to see, how insignificant words on a computer screen can make so much difference to me is bizzare but they always do. When a person has had a bad day the last thing they want is bitchy girls that think they're perfect making snide remarks about them. Right now I'm at the border of 'I want to take this blade and slice my carotid artery so I can just leave them with something to think about' and 'I want to fuck someone until I cant remember what I was upset about' Neither of which will solve the issue but one will be significantly more fun than the other. Only problem? No one wants to fuck the messed up girl with scars/cuts on her hips. No one. At all. It doesn't help that I'm huge, like the biggest person I know, fat wise, not tall wise. I just give these people the ammunition to shoot their hatred at me with really. At this point in one of these posts I'd probably say something like 'I hate myself' or 'I want to die' but this time, I'm so far past that, I don't need to tell myself that I hate myself because its the only thing inside of me right now, it is my entire being. I do however, Hate People. I just wish I could be left alone for one night, just one night of peace. Bye my Angels <3

Disturbing memories replace my nightmares.

Last night my dream was a memory, disturbing and frightening but not a nightmare, a memory. I went to sleep hoping that when my sister was older she wouldn't treat anyone as her father had treated me (its her birthday tomorrow, I wasn't just randomly thinking it) but instead of having a nice dream of her being good with kids when she's older or no dream at all I got the memory of a very dark and scary time in my life. I know some people have it a lot worse than I did, I mean, my sister's father left thinking he was clever and that we'd all beg him to come back but mum didn't let him back in the house, but still, at the time I was petrified of him. Sometimes at night, when I've just woken up from a nightmare that was particularly horrifying I can still feel the pain on my back where his belt used to strike me, I've never actually checked to see if there are any marks still there but as it wasn't just the leather side of the belt he used to hit me with there probably are scars. I look back on that little man now with pity because as un-trusting and walled-off as he made me today he doesn't control me any more, yes I still involuntarily flinch when something makes a loud cracking noise and I won't ever like belts or letting people close to me for fear I'll be hurt, but he cant actually do anything to me any more, he has nothing, no wife, no house, no job. I think it was counsellor number 4 that asked me once if my issues could have sprouted from the actions of this man and I never really gave it thought but thinking about it, I guess partially they could have some roots with him but I don't think it was all his doing, I think it was lots of the events from my early childhood. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone about my past, not really, my counsellors (past and present) only know tiny bits of it, the less awful bits, they don't really even know the extent to which this man hit me. I don't think I'll be able to stand the way someone would look at me if they knew everything, they'd probably be disgusted with me, hate me or worse, pity me, maybe they'd just leave my life and never return telling everyone they know to stay away from me, I can't chance any of those things, people from my life cant know, they'd judge me, I can't stand being judged any more. Bye my Angels <3

Drowning my sorrows in vodka and vomit.

Oh gosh I feel like I'm dying, I had forgotten what an all day binge/purge cycle did to ones insides. I obviously know that I'm not dying, I have felt this before, but it doesn't make it any easier to go through. I look hideous as well and the only reason my family haven't asked about them is because they know I have a sore throat and that I've been coughing a lot so they'll put them down to that. A sore throat and purging is horrendously painful but its pain I deserve, I haven't punished myself for so long, I'd allowed myself to think that not controlling what I ate was okay and at least now my body truly realises that it wasn't okay, maybe I'll be less inclined to do it again in the future now. I'm hoping the alcohol my mothers boyfriend so generously got me will take the edge off of the pain but I doubt it, and they monitor my pain killer intake so I cant even slip a few of them in with the drink and go to oblivion. I might still have some in my bag though so all hope for my night might not be lost. My sister returns from her trip to her father's tomorrow so she'll be grumpy as hell. I am not looking forward to dealing with a brat who's playing up because her daddy didn't take her anywhere nice on her trip, even though she knew before she went that he wasn't going to. I remember crying numerous times because my father was a dick to me but I never came home and took it out on anyone else here, they never even realised how much he despised me until my mother saw an email from him accidentally when she was reading over my shoulder, I hate when people do that. My day has been horrible in so many ways and yet they're all so insignificant they shouldn't have made it horrible at all, I am sick of feeling like this, its like I'm just walking around in circles at the bottom of a really dark well and every time I do a full circle the ground falls down to make the well just that little bit deeper, darker. Anyway, I'm off to drown my sorrows. Bye my Angels <3

How can one still be a virgin after lots of sex you ask?

I actually hate being on the 'at risk' list for cancer, going to the doctors and having some woman stick her hand and then a camera up there every 12 months is not fun. I don't even live in america, its not like in england we go and see a gynaecologist as religiously as we see a normal doctor, its weird, I mean, don't get me wrong when drunk I'm partial to both genders but when I'm stone cold sober I do not want any foreign objects sticking in me that aren't attached to someone hot. Its funny though, I started seeing her after the...Incident, just to make sure I wasn't permanently damaged or something (I know, stupid but being 15 and not wanting to tell my mother I had to do something to ease my mind) and I went in and she didn't even know why I was there so I had to tell her and she laughed and told me that he must have been tiny because he didn't break me, now when the incident hurts me I refer to him as 'little dick' when I'm alone, making light of the situation is what I do best. Now we have this on-going chat every time I go and see her, she asks me if I've had sex and if I have she laughs and says I need to add them to my list of 'little dicks.' What it actually is, is that my hymen is a bitch that refuses to break, it will happen one day I'm sure but it hasn't so far. Its just not going well for me in that area I mean, inability to orgasm and inability to de-virginise, next thing she'll be telling me that I'll lose all interest in sex forever and my vagina will shrivel up and die. In all honesty, I haven't had sex in a year at least, I needed time to...stop thinking that all I was good for was being a whore, but I think I'm over that stage of my life now, I think I'm not fully sorted but I'm over the incident, it doesn't make me feel like I can only be a whore any more. I'm sorry I'm posting all of this but actually, I don't think I can tell anyone in my actual life about this, they already think I'm freak enough add an 'indestructible' hymen to the list and I'll be outcast forever. I think the worst part about this little issue of mine is the pain, I mean, once I get into it its fine but to start out, its irritating and burny and I'm not sure its worth the hassle. Regardless, I think I've neglected myself long enough, I need sex. I'm glad no one from my actual life still reads this, I mean, I'm not sure how they'd react, I don't want them judging me, if I thought they'd be supportive or something then I'd be okay with them reading it but I already feel like a freak I don't need them highlighting it. This is the part where a great guy best friend would come in handy, they can't judge because they stick their dicks in all kinds of vagina's, plus, they don't make you feel as weird, or at least they don't make me feel as weird, I don't know, maybe I'm a freak in that case as well. At least I'd be an all-rounder then. Bye my Angels <3