Knots in my stomach are burning holes in me.

I feel so unstable tonight, I feel like at any minute I could snap at someone or cry. My stomach has been in knots all day like it knows about something that I don't and its making me nervous as hell and I'm feeling the pressure in everything. Its not those nice kind of stomach knots though that show you you're really hungry, its the 'I feel like I'm going to throw up but there's nothing in my stomach' so I cant even deal with it well, they aren't even leaving when I dose up. I think maybe its this meeting with this woman (R) I'm supposed to be having tomorrow, I feel like she can see right through everything I say, right into my brain to the truth, its unnerving as hell. I don't know what I'll say to her, she knows when I lie so I can't even use my normal tricks on her, I have no idea what's going to happen, there are no scenario's I can work on in my head because I'm shooting in the dark on this matter. Yep, that's definitely what they're for, they just tightened again, I don't think I can deal with this right through until half 10 tomorrow, I'll go mad(der). I guess harsher cutting is on the rota for tonight's festivities then, that is the only way I'll be getting some peace from this tummy twisting. We were doing about stress and CBT in Psychology today and my teacher was like 'I've never had CBT, but I hear its really good' I sat there thinking; its really not all its made out to be, its pretty bad actually, or at least, it didn't help me. We also learnt about drugs and depression and anxiety, I was almost laughing when she asked if 'we knew anyone who suffered from depression and or anxiety but that we probably shouldn't because its not very normal' I was almost dying. So I guess I'm not very normal then huh? Who knew. I adore psychology it amuses me how people get so shocked at things and I'm sat there keeping to myself making a mental check-list of all the things I have that we discuss. My constant stinging headache is back with a vengeance.  Its a killer I swear, I stop listening to the voices for 2 days and my head feels like its imploding, that'll teach me for trying to be in control. I think for now I've hit the bottom of the ocean of darkness I keep getting thrown into, so I'm just dealing with the constant battle the only way I know how, self medicating. Its probably not a good idea, or a healthy one, but what can I say, when people hand me pills they no longer need or want, who am I to refuse them? I hope this (R) woman doesn't pick up on the fact I won't exactly be...fully with it tomorrow, ah well, even if she does, I'm not giving up my releases, I cant, its impossible, she'll have to deal with it. Bye my Angels <3

I don't think I could handle more mistrust.

I've realised the only reason I get quite happy when I see people have looked at my posts is because I rarely look at anyone else's, I'm not a very good blogger, I'm not very good at anything so its like novelty when I see that someone has looked on here, I read other people's blogs but I never comment unless I feel I have something of value to contribute so I realise that's probably what everyone else does, which makes me quite gleeful when someone comments. 
 Apparently I was either enraged last night or really upset because my hip bares the mark of agony. I don't know why, but I only usually cut the left hip. For as long as I have been cutting its only ever been the left hip. I carved fat into the other one and its like I'm trying to hide that fact if I cut over it, so I can never bring myself to do it. That probably sounds weird but we all have our quirks right? This quirk of mine is no help when I'm trying to walk the day after a particularly rough night though, I look like I'm limping because I'm favouring walking on the right leg so the other one doesn't send stinging pain to my hip, I don't like looking like a pirate/cripple really. Don't get me wrong, I adore the pain its beautiful, but I wish I could even it out, damn OCD tendencies.
 So on Friday I was sat on the floor trying not to have a breakdown in college (that would have made it the 2nd time and I didn't want that) and loads of the tutors were walking past completely oblivious to me on the floor in the corner (I usually pick places that are in plain sight yet inconspicuous so I can cry if I need to) but then the head of A-levels walked past and spotted me. (We'll call her (R) for now, until I think of a more suitable name for her) She sat down on the floor with me and I was giving her all my usual answers that make people leave me the fuck alone and think I'm okay and none of them were working on her and I was sat there trying to hold off a breakdown with this lovely woman telling me that she can see through my lies and that she knows I'm not okay (SHIT) So I got a bit nervous because how the fuck did that woman know things, (not bragging or anything but when I need to be I'm a pretty convincing liar.) So (R) asked me to go to her office during tutor period after dinner so we could have a proper chat away from the cold floor and prying ears. I went there and she was so nice, it was weird, I felt...Safe? I don't really know how I felt, its confusing, but I told her some stuff and now she knows a lot and she didn't once judge me or tell me that she was going to have to tell someone else about it (Pause to let go of the breath I was holding for the whole meeting) But I went again today because my law tutor told me she wanted to see me and she wasn't there, clarity set in then, I trust people way too easily and I realised in those 40 minutes of waiting that maybe I was too quick to tell her things, I don't know if I can trust this woman, I don't know anything about her. So now I'm panicking and I'm sorry if that doesn't really make sense and there's a whole lot of comma's where fullstops should be and its not very well written but this is my train of thought at the moment so welcome aboard. I really hope this woman doesn't prove to me that I cant trust her, I don't think I could deal with another bout of mistrust in my life, I'd probably just give up altogether. Bye my Angels <3

Finally found my red beaded bracelet :')

I found the most beautiful red beaded bracelet today, its so perfect. I've been searching for one for ages and they've never been right but this one is lovely, if you've been an avid reader of my blog for at least a year you'd know why I wanted one, in fact, it doesn't take a genius to work it out. I think today is the only one this week that's gone okay, I saw my friends, I bought new nailvarnish/lipbalm (which tastes amazing)/eyeliner, I had fun which is a rarity for me. I'm so tired though its unreal. It kills me to be happy, that sounds so emo, but I already do the cutting of an 'emo' so I may as well have the emotions also eh? I feel like all of my energy goes into this pretending, I cant sleep properly so I'm not getting any of it back, its like, the pretending and the lies are slowly killing me or something, who knows. My doctors appointment is booked for next week, apparently they'll take blood from me and its going to hurt, I'm going to faint or throw up, I just know it. I love blood when I'm taking it out of myself, but I hate needles, I cant cope with how far they go into you. Plus, when I had to have my cancer jabs at school one of the nurses stuck the needle in my arm, told me it was in the wrong place, took it out and stabbed me with it again and scraped my muscle with it. That needle brought me so much pain. I'm trying not to think about it but I'm so scared, the poor nurse will wish she/he hadn't asked for my blood, I'm cringing now just thinking about it. Ew, I'm going to bed, tiredness is taking over and as much as I'd love to stay and talk forever I cant. Bye my Angels <3

Crying from lack of release. Sad.

I feel awful. Its gotten to the stage that I cry if I don't have a blade to use that night. I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't. That's what my head does to get its kicks, it makes me think I'm getting back the resemblance of normality and then it throws me back into the darkest depths of the ocean inside my head and bury's me just so its harder to escape. I'd say I feel like I'm dying but I'm pretty sure this is what death feels like, so I'm most likely already dead (if only). This pill I'm on is making me terrible, its causing me to gain weight as quick as anything and making it impossible (regardless of the amount of exercise, purging and starvation) to lose any. Apparently its a 'common side effect' so I'm going to the doctors and requesting a new one because I'm not having this all my life, if it keeps making me gain I'll be like 50 pounds by next christmas, that doesn't really work for me since my target to reach by then is 80. I've taken to self medicating again (nothing big yet, just various assortments of painkillers and some prescription drugs my friend didn't want) to stop the voices being so loud. If I could I'd get rid of all of them quite happily because the splitting head pain that comes with them is too much to deal with. I haven't spoken to (Fire) or the college counsellor in over a month, in a way, I miss it, I have a lot to talk about and no one to talk about it with, I cant talk to my friends about it really because I don't want to burden and they wouldn't understand, and this blog doesn't permit me to write short posts like 10+ times a day so I'm stuck. I cant write in a book because my Mother keeps finding them. I just have to keep it all locked up. This whole bottling trick is fine but there's so much in there that my monthly breakdowns are occurring more frequently and lasting longer lengths of time. I mean, twice a month doesn't seem like a bad thing, but that means for around 6 days of the month I'm having breakdowns, that's 3 weekends in that perspective, nearly a week a month is spent breaking down, its not fun. I've decided I am a person that deserves hatred, so I've made more people feel they hate me, its a simple matter of being equal parts distant, pathetic and annoying. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at manipulation so I couldn't make people feel the way I want them to feel about me, but I am, and I can so I do, why allow people to make the same decisions about you in 12 months if you can make them think of them in one week, its just wasting time isn't it? Anyway, I'm off to read now to take my mind off of everything this world has to offer (which is very little anyway) Bye my Angels <3

Some boxes should never be opened.

I wish I could help all the people I knew that were hurting but I cant. I can only try and comfort the ones that want me to, I'd never throw myself at someone who didn't want to be comforted, it hurts to see my friends in pain, even if I don't know them very well, it still hurts. It'd hurt more to know that I was the one that made them more introverted because they were trying to hide their pain from the world thinking that it was obvious, or even if they decided they couldn't be my friend anymore because they don't want to be seen as a charity case (I've used that excuse to isolate myself from people before, it works every time) I think it hurts because if I don't have someone else's pain to focus on, to try and get rid of, then I only have my own to look at, and that's not something I want to do, I've been squishing too many things down for too long to open up those boxes again just because there's no one else's pain around to look at. Its a selfish reason to want to help people but its a reason nonetheless and at least I'm trying to make people believe they're worth something instead of doing what the counsellors do and make them feel shit about themselves (this could just be the ones I've seen, well, most of them, because I don't think I've ever felt better coming out of a meeting with any of those people) It has been 4 days (approximately) since I last cut, not because I can give it up, but because I'd ran out of room on my hips, it wasn't cutting them anymore, it was just opening up the other wounds, it didn't make me feel anything, so I've been letting them heal a bit, its been killing me. Every night at 8:32 my brain goes into cutting mode, it craves the blades conversation. My arms have never looked so inviting as they have done in these past 4 days but I cant do it on my arms, my mother would notice and I'm already in a precarious situation with her, I think she's starting to suspect things again because she read a book that I keep hidden under my mattress, a book with...well, not nice things written in it. I told her it was a way of healing myself, to write down everything I hate about myself all the negativity and burn it, I think she sort of bought it, but not completely, I'm having to be a lot more sneaky with what I do which is nothing I cant handle but its a bit of a piss-take when she's watching me eat my food. Anyway, I have English work to do, they haven't invented a pen that will write the essay for me, unfortunately. Bye my Angels <3

I don't want to be used but its all I allow myself to be.

My dream last night was a...weird one to say the least. It doesn't take a genius to work out that my subconscious is telling me its time for sex again. I don't want it like before, I mean, I don't want to lose control again and go on another tangent because I think I'm a worthless whore. It won't be like that again I know unless...That happens again, but I doubt it, I've learnt to defend myself since then. But, I don't know, I've never had sex outside of my 'whore is all your good for' days, never with anyone I particularly liked from what I've been told, I mean, if I liked them all that much, I'd remember them, surely? No matter what I'm like in those moods I'm sure I'll be practically a virgin out of them, when a person doesn't have any self doubt because they're completely off their heads they develop a few skills, but without being that drunk/wired I'm not sure I'll even be worth my title of whore. Plus, there's the whole issue of finding someone that can deal with my extreme mood swings, my scars/cuts, my lack of confidence, Me. I don't think I'll ever find a person like that, I know sex is just sex but I don't want to be used anymore, I'm tired of it, I know I hate commitment, it frightens me to death, just the thought of being tied down to one person forever sends shivers down my spine (and not the good kind) but I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I was comfortable around the person, if they accepted me. Take (E) for example, I know it didn't work out (For the obvious reason that she doesn't have a penis) but I never felt scared to be with her, not once, I never felt claustrophobic in that relationship (if you can call it that, I guess you can) so if I just find a male version of her, I'll be sorted. However, they'd have to be a complete twat to me occasionally, I hate those relationships where they never say a mean word to each other and break up after a week because they cant stand it, I'm going to be a twat to them, they may as well be one back, plus, its fun to be a dick, gives me my kicks in life. Ew, I'm talking about relationships like that is ever going to happen, I'm going to crawl back into my metaphorical hole now and go back to being the introverted bitch who no one can stand and doesn't want anyone in her life. Bye my Angels <3