'I wish I'd killed you off before you were born.'

There's nothing worse than my father being in one of his 'I hate you, you're my biggest mistake, I wish I'd killed you off before you were born' moods. If you're already feeling crap in yourself that mood is just not what you want to be faced with. At the moment I'm at 0.1. I am literally so close to death I can almost taste it, can hear it whispering to me, telling me that it would never treat me this badly, that it will wait patiently for me for as long as it takes. You'd think I'd be used to his abuse by now, that I'd have gotten used to any insults he can throw my way, any threats he can think up, but I'm not. It still tears me apart every time. I wish I knew what I'd done to make him hate me so badly. Maybe it was just because I was born. Maybe it was because I was born a girl. All I can do is speculate about the reasoning behind his hate, but I don't think I want a definitive answer, I think that would be just a bit too much realism for me to deal with, that would definitely be the day I hugged death and thanked it for waiting for me. I just feel so hopeless. My own blood shouldn't hate me as much as this, shouldn't wish death on me, surely he should at least want to know me? This is where past me would have held in the tears and squashed everything she was feeling so it could fester deep in her soul. I miss that reaction, now I just cry hideous tears and hope I forget how to breathe so I drown in them. If it was possible to etch away at emptiness to reveal something worse, something emptier beneath it, that would be what happens every time I meet with my father. I'm not even a shell of myself any more, I'm a shadow. I'm all dark lines and baseless darkness, just waiting for the clouds to come overhead and get rid of me. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't cause all of this hatred in people, I don't deserve to live if all I do is cause people pain and unnecessary resentment. I feel like if I tried to scream I'd probably just crumble. This is just another day of pain I will have to keep to myself and pretend didn't happen. Just another year of tears to come from it. I wish I wasn't used to this. Why cant I be in one of those happy families? Why do I have to live through this life when other people don't? Why me? Bye my Angels <3

I have never felt the want to die so much.

Its on days like today where I get a certain kind of clarity on life. The same life that tries to make me believe in fairytales and that daydreams are promises of what is to come. Its not a particularly nice kind of clarity, but its necessary. The realisation hit me today like a ton of bricks; I'm too unhappy. It wouldn't be fair on anyone to bring them into this pit of depression. Even if I really, really, really, really wanted to be with them. It just wouldn't be right of me to subject them to my constant mood swings and hopeless grasps at happiness. It wouldn't be fair to make them stick around and deal with me at my worst. I cant even deal with me at my best, when my mood is averaged out at about 3. My best friend cant even stand me half of the time so I cant expect anyone else to want to put up with me. I would wish to be able to climb out of this hole, but that's kind of like wishing for a pet flying pink monkey riding on a unicorn. I have learnt to embrace my hollow, coldness but I think other people just think I'm exaggerating, like I cant be as bad as I am because they don't think I am. Or I cant be that bad because other people are so much worse so upon knowing that I should just suddenly flip a switch inside of me and be fab. Or because I sit smiling at college I'm just faking being bad. Yep, that's right, because I am great at hiding everything I actually feel from college people I am definitely only pretending to be depressed. The best one I've ever heard was 'you can still get out of bed in the morning, so you aren't depressed, you're just bored.' Because boredom and depression are so easy to get confused. And my removing of myself from bed means I'm happy? How does that account for the people that kill themselves outside of their own bedroom then? Because I would personally never do it in my house, I don't want my family to find me.
 But just from that to me its obvious to see that it would be completely unfair on anyone else to be brought into this life of mine. I even try and keep my family out of it as much as possible, they don't need to know about this either. Its just me, myself and I that will deal with this issue. That fact doesn't make me stop feeling like crying though. That's all I want to do lately, I just want to cry for weeks and weeks and weeks and maybe never stop. I've dropped so much on my scale so quickly that I'm like 0.1 now. I can tell everyone is getting sick of me and my ability to bring people down so quickly, I might just avoid them next year, I am so sick of bringing people down with me, its not their faults I'm like this but I feel like I'm blaming them somehow whenever I make them feel like crap unintentionally. My best friend doesn't even need this drama anyway, he has his own issues to deal with, its not like I'm a help to him, bringing him down isn't going to make him feel any better. Leaving him alone is probably the most foolproof way of making sure I don't make him worse. I might just become a recluse again and ignore the world, hoping it ignores me back. That way I cant hurt anyone.
 I have never felt the want to die so much. I don't know what to do. Bye my Angels <3

My mind is chaos, structured chaos.

When I read books in the past and you had these whiney female protagonists who were so conflicted about everything and confused, I never understood how they could be like that. I never realised just how much feelings can mess a person up. I used to have such a perfect order of life, everything was in place, I felt secure in my emotions, or rather, lack of emotions. Things were so simple before I decided to feel. Now I just feel like the annoying protagonist writing about my emotions and crying every night. 6 months ago if I'd have cried I'd have scolded myself for being so fucking stupid and I'd have suppressed anything I was crying about and got over it, never to shed a tear on the subject ever again. I'd give anything to go back to that mental state, where everything can be solved with a good plan and order. My mind is chaos now, structured chaos, far from the neat order I love. I mean, don't get me wrong, some good things have come out of how I am now, I've been able to open up to people and get closer and friendlier to the people I want to. I've been able to hug people, which is a biggie because at one point earlier this year my...cleanliness issues got so out of control I had to sit two seats away from everyone in my friend group, on my coat on the seat and wouldn't breathe when one of them was talking to me in case I breathed in their germs, now I don't do that. I just feel like some times its all more harm than good. Even my family has noticed lately that my mood has gone way down. And it doesn't help one single bit that I am now completely and hopelessly conflicted over someone who likes me one day and ignores me the next. Someone who tears me apart every time he discards me and builds me up every time he is perfectly charming. Someone who makes me happy, who makes me laugh like I've never believed I could. I just wish he'd stop messing with my emotions, I feel like this is karma for not believing in other people's emotions before. Fuck you karma.
 So all in all I've had a really good go at emotions and they haven't tried to help me at all. I'm starting to hate myself and life so much more, it feels like I never left that period of my life, not even a little bit. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3

I just don't know.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week or two, I've been on a sort of roller coaster with my emotions that I was hoping to have sorted out by myself. I'd had my emotions at a place where I thought I was back to controlling them for about a week until this started. I thought that maybe I was getting the hang of this life thing. I thought wrong obviously. My emotions have been messed with right royally, I'm not sure whether I'm fine with it or sad, whether I don't care or I want to burst out crying. I've been messed around with, again. My life is literally people messing me around whilst they're bored and then finding someone better to play with. I've been told 'oh don't worry, its not your fault' and blah blah blah, but I know it is. I think I wear this big neon sign above my head that says something crappy like 'I was made to be messed with' I'm just so sick of it. It doesn't surprise me any more though, like, I have accepted the fact I am not pretty or funny or smart or thin and I'm working on them all for sure but its not working for me, I think I'm just getting worse. I haven't looked at myself in the mirror properly for 2 weeks now because I cant stand the sight of myself. I have absolutely no desire to live right now, everything is killing me slowly, I have been so good not cutting but I cant put it off any more, too much has built up in me, who knows, maybe I'll be so out of practice that I slice somewhere important and get my way for once.

Life with life is downhill.

My nightmares are back. They never really left, they just mellowed out slightly, but last night I had at least 6 full-on, haunt you for years after, nightmares that I can remember. They were all about me dying, in various scenarios, various ways, but all about my death. Its like now I've been told there's a potential I'm going to Have life, my brain is trying to make me scared I'm going to lose it in some freak accident or something. It definitely doesn't think I deserve to live, that is for sure. Its made it abundantly clear that my death is something it wanted. I don't know how to deal with a misbehaving head lately, its not fair, I'm still too conflicted, those good doctors with their good news opened up the flood gates for all of my emotions, or maybe even broke the fucking dam because I cant fix it back up now.
 People keep telling me that one of my friends likes me. I'm not sure the word nervous was actually designed for this feeling. Its like dread and curiosity and sadness and happiness and doubt and loathing and mistrust and excitement all in one. I don't know how to react. I don't believe them for one moment, but then, my mind is still doing that 'potentially' thing it does and its scaring me. I cannot understand how its possible. I really hate when people take the piss out of me. I hate when people pretend. People are annoying as fuck. Why would they bully me? Its not nice.
 I realise I'm getting pretty repetitive on here but I cant help it, my life is literally just my mind doing the exact same thing over and over and screwing me up more and more. Haha. My life after finding out I have life is going downhill so much. Fuck. Bye my Angels <3

I cant justify it any more.

I cant deal with my mother's boyfriend lately. He just keeps drinking. He won't stop, he's constantly got a can in his hand. I already have one alcoholic father, I don't need another. He thinks coming home with a cheap bunch of flowers for my mother whenever he's gotten too drunk in the house will be enough to keep her quiet about it, but they aren't. They're just making her madder. I'm worried about my sister with it all though. My mum's boyfriend has been here for about 10 years now and she's really attached, but between him drinking and her actual dad being a pot head I'm concerned she'll be influenced, she is at that age where everything is 'well they do it, why cant I?' I just cant stand to be in the same room as the man any more, I used to have respect for him, after 6 years I almost trusted him, then when we found out he was cheating on mother that all went and I was just civil, and now I can see that his drinking is out of control, I'm not justifying it.
 My mood was about a 1 the other day, until I started thinking about the future I can potentially have now. Then it plummeted because I'm too fat and too ugly for anyone and I'm not smart enough to be a completely independent female and I'm not witty enough for people to look past the fact I'm hideous and fat. I thought those things and all of a sudden it was like I was back two years ago, my mind was being circled by those little voices and everything just collapsed. All my resolve vanished into thin air. All my certainty about staying healthy went, now I'm not so sure if I I can cope with being a technically healthy weight. All the thoughts I've been suppressing for ages now have just popped back up and taken residence in my head right where they were before, as if they never left. They got worse when people started saying that my friend Liked me. I am not sure I can deal with that, I'm too imperfect for anyone to like me. People need to stop messing with my delicate state of mind. I am in too fragile a way to have my head messed up. I just keep breaking down, I'll get stuck on a thought and it'll kill me a little bit and I just shut down. I think I prefer the way I was before, certain of death and shut off from feelings, this new thinking me is difficult. Bye my Angels <3 

What I am was only supposed to be temporary.

I got my blood test results the other day and nearly cried with happiness. They said that there were no illnesses other than the ones we already knew about and that I was in the all clear. For someone who's been told they're not expected to live past 19 to be told that they're okay for the time being and there's nothing new to manage is...indescribable. This could actually mean that I can live past 19, maybe get past uni, I can think about having a life that isn't limited to the next year because the potential to have one is there now where it wasn't before. I can stop pushing my closest friends away for the time being because I know I'm not going to just up and die on them one day. Like, of course it could still happen but its less likely to now because my body is coping fine with the things it has to manage already and there's nothing new being thrown into the mix. I feel kind of sad about the people I've already pushed away in the past year or so that I'd gotten really close to because it was kind of all for nothing in a way. I was preparing myself for what I'd been told was inevitable and all of a sudden the inevitable just walked away and I'm left with a lack of best friends because those were the ones I got rid of first, the ones I knew would blame themselves somehow.
 Lately I've been so agitated and I don't know why. I don't feel like opening up to anyone, I don't feel like helping anyone, I don't feel like eating, sleeping, reading, I just feel...irritable. There's no certain cause, there's no known cure. I just have to ride it out I guess. I think its because everyone is always asking me how I am, and then when I give them an answer, they ask if I'm lying, and then if I say no I am not lying I actually am fine, they ask about 1000 more questions until they believe me. I don't care how many times they ask the same fucking question, if the answer is I AM FINE, then they should respect that I don't want to tell them something or that I actually am fine and just drop the fucking subject, that's not so unreasonable is it? I'm sick of people walking around eggshells because they aren't sure that I'm okay. I'm not that much of a difficult person, if I say I'm okay, then I am, if I say I am not okay, then I am not. Why does everyone have to read SO much into everything these days? Why cant people just be simple and believe the simple? I hope I can get this irritableness under control for college on Monday though because I might just snap at someone if not.
 Even though I got that good news the other day, my mood hasn't improved any, its just stayed the same, I miss the days where good news made me feel ecstatic and bad news made me feel heartbroken. Now I just feel nothing at all. But then, I had a lot of heartbreaking news when I was younger. I guess when you have a lot of something that destroys you a little bit each time, it gets harder to feel anything at all, who knows, maybe if things had been different then, I'd be different now. Some people think that childhood doesn't effect your future at all, but I know it does.
 I just don't know where I'm going any more, I'm kind of in this state of turmoil, I'd been preparing for so long to just...die, that I don't know how to live, I don't know how to be anyone else than 'that girl who's waiting to die' preparing yourself for one thing your whole life and then having that thing snatched away to leave you with uncertainty is probably worse news than thinking you were going to die. I don't know how to deal with life. Like, I've never really done the relationship thing because I never wanted to know if I could be happy like that, I've never really let someone completely in before and told them everything and bared my soul, I've never known what it is to be a normal teenager because I've always been trying to...live as much as I can before I died and relationships and close friendships and softness and warmth and closeness never really seemed like living to me. I don't know how to show emotions because they always hindered my living, I don't know how to be anything else than what I am, and what I am was only supposed to be temporary. I am kind of having a mini meltdown right now. I don't know what to do or how to act or how to dress or where to turn. Why isn't there a school for this shit, or better yet, a web page. I just feel so lost. No pictures tonight. Bye my Angels <3

8+ hours of smiling, yay?

I have a party tomorrow. A party that lasts all night and requires me to be sociable for more than 8 hours. As in, there's no escape from people. I don't know how I'm going to react. I'll have alcohol and that will help for sure but I don't know how I'm going to feel about everyone after 8 hours has passed and I'm still having to fake smile. I hope I'm still okay, but lately its getting harder to stay happy all the time. I just want to sleep but when I lie down to do so I cant, I just stare at the ceiling. People who say they just want to sleep and never wake up are kind of lucky, because they can get to sleep in the first place and get disappointed when they wake up. If I could get to sleep I imagine I'd be so happy when I woke up. I'm not 100% on that but I'm sure I'd feel better. Anyway. I don't feel up to writing about things that have happened lately, I don't think I can deal with them myself yet, its nothing too bad but its just...saddening I guess. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Bye my Angels <3

Self destruction comes with a price tag.

Today I've had this feeling of unquestionable sadness and I don't know why, because my day hasn't really been half bad. I did everything that usually makes me happy, I went shopping, I had a nice time with my family, I flirted with cute guys whilst out shopping, I ate at a nice restaurant, hell, I even got Starbucks. But still, sadness, as easily definable as an eye staring at you in the night. I don't know what to do about it. If I cant shake it when I'm doing things I like doing, can you guess what's going to happen at college on Monday if it hasn't lifted at all and I have to sit and listen to people moan and complain all whilst keeping a fake smile on my face? I'm going to have some sort of breakdown, that's what. I feel the need to write. Something awful and tragic and beautifully saddening all at the same time but I don't know what. I fear that if I pick up a pen then my brain will take over and suddenly it won't be a novella at all, it will be a date-undetermined suicide letter. I hate constantly being in this place, I scare myself, but at the same time, I don't feel scared at all, its like two parts of me are fighting for control over everything but neither one can bring themselves to destroy the other yet. I have only ever known three people who can get me out of this slump and back to a place where I can feel secure enough to fall asleep. Two of these people I have pushed away and are no longer talking to me and the third has an overprotective girlfriend who wouldn't like it if he spent his Saturday night helping me instead of pandering to her every whim. So once again, I'm alone. That seems to be a theme with me, being so completely alone that my downward spirals just keep on going because I cant pull myself out and no one else notices. I've done it to myself, don't get me wrong, I've pushed the people away who I thought cared about me the most and I've been the bitch to everyone who would potentially care, but that kind of self-destruction comes at a heavy price, one that I cant seem to stop paying. I was watching 'Sex and the City' earlier and Charlotte said that it takes half of the time you were with someone to get over them. Well, if that's the case I'm screwed for at least another year. I was never actually with him, but I was pretty sure it was a terrifying kind of love since like a month after I met him. I don't know if that counts but I do know the longer I go without speaking to him, the more I'm showing signs of classic distraction techniques. I've even started to think I like another person just to see if I can get over him that way, I cant. I pined for 3 years for this boy and then blew it at the last hurdle because I was scared he was too close and he'd take my heart and stamp on it. Its now been three months and I'm pretty sure I'm dying from a broken heart anyway. Why the fuck am I so human? Last year I could easily lock away my feelings in a little cabinet at the back of my mind and I didn't have to give a shit, I didn't even admit there was a thing called love except when I was in private. Now its like I cant stop feeling. Anyone got any advice or are you all going to just leave me alone in my sorrow as well? I wouldn't hold it against you. (At least when I'm functioning properly I wouldn't, right now, well, who the fuck knows what I'd do, not me that is for sure and certain.) Bye my Angels <3

'You are so much better now!' Am I?

I got to 0.1 today. It was frightening. Its the lowest I've been in a good while. I only got this way because of a simple fact. Everyone was discussing their weight at college and I tend to steer clear of these talks, simply so I don't revert back to old ways, and they just kept talking about what they weighed and stuff and something in my just clicked. I realised that in year 11 my lowest weight was 5 stone lighter than what I am now. I was, at one point, 7 stone. I know that doesn't sound so low to some people but to me (and the doctor for that matter) it was low. I am now 11 stone and am Just about still in the healthy weight zone. In about 3 years, I have gone up 4 stone. Some people might call that progress, I call it a catastrophe. I was weighed the other day and the woman said to me 'ooh, I am so proud of you, soon enough we can get this 'eating disorder' taken off of your current medical conditions list. Aren't you excited? You've gained 4 stone, its brilliant!' I was sat there almost crying. I knew when I started this 'help' thing I'd have to gain a considerable amount of weight, but from the second I started really committing to it, I haven't weighed myself, not once. She completely ruined my whole resolve about actually eating. I thought doctors were supposed to know to never mention weight to people with 'eating disorder' on their medical record? Isn't that like a big rule? Surely it is. Maybe she thought I could handle it now I'm 'so much better!' she definitely thought wrong. I came home today and really really really wanted to cut, but I had nothing to use. I tried using the scalpel my friend got me the other day, but it was blunt, so it didn't really do anything. I have a whole bunch of tension and anger and splitting sadness to get rid of and I have no means of getting rid of it. I know one thing for certain. There is no way I'm eating anything for at least the next two days. I can blame my sudden loss of weight that is to come on my Uni stress. There's a lot of it. I hate myself. Anyway. No pictures tonight, I don't have the energy to find them, sorry. Bye my Angels <3

I just need distractions.

Constantly lying to everyone is getting so difficult. Its like a battle with what I want to say and what I need to say, its exhausting. Sometimes I just don't want to be asked if I'm okay or if anything is wrong because its too hard to say "I'm fine" and put on that smile that helps prove it in people's eyes. Today has been a hard day. An impossibly hard day, to the point that if one more person asks me how I am I'm likely to break down or something and just spill exactly how I am and make them regret asking that generic question. I'm glad I have the weekend to compose myself, that's all I can say.
 I'm told that always thinking about a person you like is normal. That its a natural reaction to relate things back to them or think about what they'd like. I don't understand it but I'm experiencing it nonetheless. I HATE IT. I cant even stop it.It will stop eventually I'm sure. Its such an embarrassing reaction. I'm a really easy blusher anyway and I can just feel myself going red every time I think of anything, like someone is going to somehow read my mind and realise that I'm not the cold hearted bitch I like to make out I am. Its awful. I've even been listening to Meg singing (from Hercules) to try and get back my resolve on the whole 'I cant possibly ever think about love, its not a thing I have time for.'
 I don't have time to sleep this weekend either. I can't even pretend that everything is how it was via my dreams because I don't have time for them. That sucks. I miss my weird, slightly creepy, extremely perfect to me, dreams. 
 I'm about a 0.5 today. I am blaming this poor mood on the fact I'm having to deal with actual feelings. I cant comprehend feelings, I don't know what to do with them, they make me confused and scared and nervous and angry and sad and everything else all in one. I need to get drunk. Really really terribly drunk, with someone I don't care about at all, that will just mindlessly fuck me. That is what I need, a distraction. Everything will be okay if I just distract myself from feelings long enough. They'll disappear. I genuinely think that is my answer to everything lately. 'Just ignore it, it'll pass.' Fat chance. Still, I guess I am allowed to dream. Bye my Angels <3

Everyone leaves in the end.

There used to be a guy who made me weak in the knees. Not many people liked him but I didn't care, because to me he was my favourite. He was the first person that ever truly made me nervous and happy at the same time. Taking my breath away wasn't an easy thing to do but he managed it. And because he affected me so, I had to run. I was petrified of being hurt, too scared to give him the chance he asked me for. With hindsight that's probably what really kicked off my avoid getting close to people at all costs mantra. Now I feel like I'm heading down the same road I went down with him and I can feel myself pushing him away. I don't know how to deal with people staying. I can accept, understand, even sympathise with people who leave. Like, you see those people on films that don't leave when you tell them to, that stay when you try and push them away and I don't understand them, I've never known that to happen but if it did I wouldn't know what to do. It's become like an art to me, perfecting my technique of pushing people away. It's all I have. And when it comes down to it, it's not like people really care enough to stay anyway, they are off just as quickly as they came into my life. People are all the same and I know that's taring everyone with the same brush and thats bad but it's true. Everyone leaves in the end.

Why, why, why.

"Why won't you hug me?" "Why don't you high 5 people or hold hands?" "Why do you count your fingers sometimes when you think no one is watching" "Why do all of your things have to be laid out neatly and in a certain way?" I don't mind these kinds of questions about my...cleanliness issues. I can deal with whys, you can make people understand when they ask why, you can elaborate and make them see that its not an abnormal thing. The questions I don't like all start with "Can you" or "Does that mean doing ____ will annoy you (and then they proceed to do the thing that they just asked you about to see if it really does bring about a reaction)" I don't understand how, in this day and age, with all we know about differences in people, there are still people out there who will go out of their way to make me have a nervous break down just because they are scruffy and unclean and don't understand my need to have things in a certain way.
 I went to the doctors the other day and I almost broke down in her office because she was putting all of these things on my fingers and my arms and I just knew they'd been used on like 500+ other germy people that day and I could just see all these germs being absorbed into my skin, I could just feel myself getting more unclean every second these things were on me. I think she thought I was crazy when she asked me what was wrong and I just sat there quietly thinking about all of the dirt from all these other people being put onto my skin by these things that were supposed to gauge whether I was ill or not, they were going to make me ill all by themselves. I hate the doctors. Turns out, I have to have blood tests in a weeks time. The one thing I cant cope with. Self inflicted blood loss is fine, I know how that's going to feel, but the unknowing that comes with blood tests scares me. I like to know. I'm good at knowing. I can prepare for what I know. What's worse is that I have to have an asthma check after this so I'm going to be light headed and try and puff into a measurey thingy and its going to be really weak and I'm going to get put on a higher inhaler again and I was almost off mine.
 My Ex/Ex-best friend got with another girl the other day, after she'd sworn off girls for good. I'd like to think it was because she was missing me and was trying to replace me, I know its not that, but I'd like to think that anyway. I kind of miss her, like, not the way she treated me at the end, because I don't know whether she just felt down on herself or what but that was way too selfish for even me to put up with but, before that, when she used to care about me as much as I did about her, I miss that. I miss having someone to tell everything to and laugh about things with. I keep thinking 'I'll just go and tell ___ about this, she'll want to know' and then realising that even if she did want to know, I couldn't tell her, because she's not in my life. I have no one. Again. I'm better this way. Less people to let down, just myself. Less people to hurt. At least, that's what I'm telling myself this week. Who knows whether I am or not.
 I'm not so good right now. I'm better than I was last time I posted, however, I'm not better than a 2. I'm about a 1. At least its a nice round number instead of the decimals I've been dealing with lately. I hope I get better soon, hope I get higher on the levels. I'm sick of having to fake everything because I don't actually feel happy for people or excited or even marginally okay. Faking takes so much effort. Bye my Angels <3

Just like before

I've been finding comfort in the dark lately, like I used to. But there are so many things different about me since I was bad before. I have new friends that treat me like I belong, I have a tad more confidence, I've grown up. I'm hoping these factors will help me to not slip back into my self-made seclusion. I don't want to go back. I want to go forwards, even if that means I get a different kind of what I had before if my head is adamant that I need it. I said in passing today 'if my head lets me' and everyone laughed like it was some kind of joke, its difficult keeping everything from them but they wouldn't understand. Only one person didn't laugh actually, he got this thoughtful/questioning look on his face and started searching my face for something. I need to watch out for that one. He's sharper than he lets on, I cant have him blowing this for me, this year is not going to be a 'tiptoe around the freak' year. No. Not any more. He paused when he was looking at my arms for a second, like he saw something, something that he couldn't have seen because they're faded and barely there. I think his issue is that he likes knowing as much as he can. I'll just have to be extra cheery around him. However, my mind has decided that it likes the look of him, I know personally that he's been around the college a few times but that is not stopping my mind from wandering. It is such a funny little thing, it hates me, right up until the point where it wants something. Then its really nice until I give it what it wants. Its like a person of its own, with its own wants, not sure that's normal. I really don't have much to write about tonight, sorry for that, I bore myself as well. Bye my Angels <3

This time two years ago.

This time two years ago I thought I was pregnant with the child of my rapist. I hate saying that because he was only 4 years older than me and rapist makes it sound like a sleazy old man or something but that's what he was so. Two years ago it had been a month and a day since the incident and I was so lost and scared and ashamed. It sounds stupid and you probably won't understand it (looking back I'm not sure I do) but in a way I wanted a child. Not to be 15 and pregnant, but so something good had come from that horrifying experience. I wanted to have something that would convince me that good things can happen to, regardless of things before them. Obviously I wasn't pregnant and I didn't have a child but this day still gets to me every year. This year my friend almost had an incident happen to her last weekend, so that is being dealt with at college and I'm trying to be supportive but its so difficult to not break down crying and tell her how happy she should be that it didn't happen, that she should thank her lucky stars because she wouldn't want to deal with it initially and all the repercussions after it. College counsellor lady said I should get some 'professional help' because she's not qualified to help me technically. I changed the subject, I couldn't handle the pity that comes with professional help, I couldn't deal with the questions that hit you right where it hurts so everything you've been hiding all comes out at once and you feel so much worse for months afterwards. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. I have no one to hug me and tell me everything is okay so why do I need to stay awake if I know nothing is going to get better? There are obvious downsides to not being close to anybody.
 As you could probably have guessed my mood has rapidly deteriorated down to about a 0.3, not good considering I cant cut to elevate it a bit because its not working. I keep trying but its just not helping, I don't know what to do, I'm so scared about what's going to happen. There's only so much disappointment and lack of relief I can deal with. I just need it out. I need to get it out. I cant stand it clawing under my skin much longer, I cant stand feeling sick constantly. I just cant. Bye my Angels <3

What happens when it stops working?

I had an unnerving, scary, potentially dangerous revelation the other day. I was talking to the college woman and she asked about my cutting. I hadn't really thought about it much until that point but when I really started to think about it, it hadn't been helping me much. For a while I had noticed the subtle changes in the effectiveness of that relief technique but I'd chosen to ignore them, thinking I was more stressed than usual or something because of all the extra baggage I've had to deal with lately. However, when I really thought about it, cutting had stopped helping me. Some people might see this as a good thing, because if its stopped helping me then I've got no reason to do it any more, I see this as a terrible thing. If I can no longer feel clarity and control through cutting, what other medium am I going to use to get it? I've never thought about what could happen if I couldn't cut any more, it seemed like an impossible thing, what am I going to do? I guess I could go backwards and let out a side of me I haven't really allowed out for longer than a day at a time. I'd have to be really sure about that though, really sure about whether I want the voices to control me again. About whether I could deal with that, I can deal with them right now, they're quieter at the back of my head, they haven't got much control back there, they have little influence. But if I start restricting again, start focusing on numbers, on counting accurately, I'm not going to have the concentration required to push them back when they try and jump forwards, they'll gain control again and they'll hold on tighter this time. I might be gone for good. But if I don't go backwards, I might do something more dangerous. Why is there never a way of keeping control without the dangerous side effects?
 Apparently people have noticed my OCD has flared up again quite badly lately. I've been asked what's bothering me so much so that I'm using a ruler on word searches and not doing them if they aren't the right shape etc. I'm not seeing what the issue is with wanting to keep everything neat and tidy so nothing bad happens. I mean, if people want awful things to happen then they can have their stuff messy, but I would like things to be decent in life and not have some major accident because I did a word search without a ruler. I did some without a ruler the other day and my legs are really bad now every time I bend them because I did bendy lines instead of straight lines. Its not like I don't have cause to want things straight if things like that happen if I don't have it straight. 

 I wish people would just get off my back about everything and deal with their own messed up lives instead of having me deal with them and then wondering why I'm stressed and they aren't. I feel like I need a holiday from being me. Bye my Angels <3

"You did it to hurt me."

I was talking to my mother about how I 'used to' self harm before and she still thinks I did it to hurt her and shock her, to get her attention. I honestly couldn't believe it when I heard that. Like, I thought I'd established that since she didn't even know I was doing it, it couldn't be for attention seeking purposes. I love my mother dearly but sometimes she can be the most self-centred person in the entire world, I think she honestly believes that my life revolves around her, therefore making everything I do, against her. Sometimes I genuinely think parents are oblivious to the fact that their children have their own minds and lives, outside of their family, that these children have their own exclusive problems that don't involve the family. (Though they may be a contributing factor to the worsening of the issues)
 Everyone has gone off to uni this weekend and my friendship circle is feeling considerably smaller than it did last year. Sure there are a few new AS's in it and a few old A2's that didn't pass and are resitting the year, but on the whole it feels small. Lots of the new AS's that I know are actually older than me, which is confusing to say the least. I'm there thinking I have to set a good example and I really don't because there isn't anyone that looks up to anyone in that college any more, all the age groups are muddled. I think in a way that makes it so much easier for me to relax, I'm not putting as much pressure on myself when I'm around people because I don't care about them judging me any more, I feel like I'm actually friends with these people this year whereas last year we were just acquaintances. I don't know. Something just feels...different. 
 Apparently there are more verbal presentations required this year at college which frightens me to death because I cant do them. I will faint, or throw up, or stutter and forget everything I'm supposed to be saying. I cant picture the people I'm speaking to in their underwear because it doesn't work, I cant fake confidence because I go bright red and my skin goes blotchy. I can just see people laughing at me. I don't know what I'm going to do, my teacher's are aware of my issue with it but I don't think they know quite how bad I am with this. My fear of public speaking rivals my fear of spiders (which is a petrifying fear, even with spiders smaller than a millimetre) I am afraid of so many things, I'm surprised I'm not afraid of myself. Can you get help for fears? I imagine so, I'll probably have to do that one day since my fear of spiders has pretty much developed onto anything creepy crawly, and I cant sing in public or talk in groups of more than 10 people without feeling an anxiety attack come on. I suck.
 I got a new, big dream catcher today, I know they don't work but I figure if I have two of them above me it might trick my head into stopping the nightmares. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night, every night, in tears, in a cold sweat, occasionally screaming, its getting ridiculous. Its pissing my sister off as well because I wake her up talking really loudly in my sleep, and she cant even wake me, or understand what I'm saying. She says we have a ghost in this house, maybe we do, maybe it likes to irritate me in the night. (I don't actually think we do, I don't believe in ghosts) 
 I am in so much pain at the moment, I'm getting migraines every day, my stomach is cramping without cause and my joints are so much worse than they were two months ago, I think I'm going to need a walking stick by the time I'm 20 they are so bad. I can't walk up the stairs quickly any more because it hurts so much, I can't bend my legs under me when I'm on the floor, I cant even side-bend them when I'm going to sleep. Its obvious there's a problem with my knee joints. Even my father noticed and he hardly ever notices anything to do with anyone else. I think this pain is making my mood worse because I'm at like 0.7 and I was above two like a week ago. It could be worse but I'm not really the happier person I was a week ago. I don't like that fact. I'll have new pictures for you as soon as I find them, bare with me! Bye my Angels <3

'I'm here for you' Yeah, that helps me so much.

Happy 'World suicide prevention day'! Personally I don't see how people saying 'I'm here for you' is going to stop someone who is completely serious about committing suicide from doing it. That could just be my view but I honestly don't see the point in these days. Why isn't this an everyday thing? Why don't people pay attention to the signs they can see on day's other than the ones that are named. That is my issue with these days, to me, they're saying 'we don't care about you the other 364 days of the year but today we can all look like we do!' 
 Today, I feet really...drained. I don't know whether its because I was up late last night because of the spider and daddy long-legs in my room or whether its because I'm slipping down again. Its hard to tell sometimes, they cross over so much and both effect the other one so when it could be both I can never really decide what's going on, which is bad because I could feel so much worse tomorrow and I won't be prepared for it. I'm really trying not to slip too far down, I'm trying to make better friends and socially interact with people that aren't characters in books and I'm trying to always have a smile on my face because sometimes if you trick yourself into believing something for long enough it happens, so I'm hoping to trick myself into happiness. Its not easy though, we're reading short television drama monologues in English Lit and they all mention mental illness and I swear everyone just looks at me every time it comes up. I am probably being paranoid I guess but I could swear they do.
 I hope I can keep a happy face through my Psychology class tomorrow, I promised myself that this year she would think I was better and not some OCD freak who has breakdowns over being asked to play with rubbish and make a model out of it. (To be fair to me, it wasn't even my rubbish so I didn't know if it was clean or not, I could have been a lot worse than just having a panic attack that is for sure) (To be fair to her I didn't put OCD or anything else on my medical issues form that I filled in at the start of college so the poor lovely woman didn't know about me)
 I need to go to the doctors but I'm postponing it so I don't get put on steroids because I can feel my inhaler starting to stop working. Either that or my lungs are shrivelling up, which, in any case, I'll need those demon steroids. Well, that and they'll give me a man doctor who is completely oblivious to subtle hints and he'll ask about things I don't want to talk about with a man, like they always do. Its like the doctors just invents ways of being more horrible to people who depend on it, just to see if these people actually do need the help. I'll probably always hate the doctors, I could be having an asthma attack on the floor and I'd still have whoever was around postpone calling the doctors until I'd passed out.
 I'm floundering. I'm being a bad person. By now I should have learnt to stop even thinking about being with people because of the amount of times I've had my heart torn up. I shouldn't be thinking about trusting anyone, that is for sure and certain. People at college keep making jokes about how cold hearted I am and how I don't care about anyone or anything, if they only knew what you guys know eh? Bye my angels <3