No matter how many times a day I tell myself I made the right decisions, I can never quite bring myself to believe the words I'm saying... Its like there's some mental barrier stopping me from believing myself. And what's worse is it causes constant doubt within me over my actions, the inner turmoil I'm putting myself through with this particular problem is killing me!
Everything's kicking off lately, I know that's the most chavvy, over-used, terrible phrase in the english language but its pretty accurate. Its like everyone's problems have escalated, there seems to be an increased number of friends planning on suicide, having problems, even being raped, and its so difficult to know what to say to them, to know how to help, because they come to me with their problems, I am your regular agony aunt, and they all want my help and my words of fucking wisdom, when really I'm running out of them, the lake that used to be the home to my helpful phrases and kind words, its drying up fast. And people just keep coming! I don't know what to do, because all of these people have no where else to turn, and I can't turn them away, I have to help them that's just my nature, but then, losing my friend because she doesn't like who I am, I just...I don't know what to do. I HAVE to be this person, because being this person is what helps everyone who need my help, but I didn't want to lose her, but I can't very well just go changing myself, forsake the help that others need just because I wanted to be friends with her, and I really do want to be her friend. I Try to not be a moody cow, but its so difficult sometimes, and when someone has been snapping at you and being a general cow to you for months, it grates on you a bit, so I think its a bit unfair to blame the whole fall out on me, because actually, she's been doing to me for months what I did to her twice and she fell out with me and suddenly its all my fault?! I just...I can't help everyone, and if she doesn't like the person I need to be, well...there's no room for discussion, I can't change my ways to suit her right now, because all these other people need me too, but I need her, and somewhere in this mess, I need to help myself! I need to find a way to cope with my own emotions along side those that I'm being burdened with so others don't have to bare the weight of said burden anymore. And I'm so fucking tired, its taking all my energy to not just rush up to her and break down apologising and crying and just saying it was all my fault for the sake of it, and I fucking miss her and she's hurting me. I just don't know what to do that could possibly help, because there's no way on earth she's ever going to see that she was in the wrong too. And I think if I'm going to apologise I need one in return. Oh its so hard coping without my best friend, I literally just have crying episodes during the day because I've lost her, and I know that I'll never get her back. I know now that I'll never be good enough for her, and at stupid moments of the day I just burst out crying, I'm eating less than I did before, I'm sleeping a whole 0 hours a night, I cant concentrate, I just want my best friend back. That is all. <3
I think its time I let you do what you want to, I think its time I let you go. I don't want to, trust me on this, but I think...I think I have to, because you're obviously Not happy with me in this friendship, and how can I ever expect things to be okay, if I have to constantly worry about how pissed off I'm making you...
Its time I took a stand, thought about My Own bloody feelings. IF you don't like it, then you know where I am, but I can't continue this way with you, its like my life is some sort of game you're trying to win, and I'm the one that's supposed to win, since its MY LIFE.
I hope the decision you chose to make was the right one for you, because I don't think with your pride there's going to be any going back on it now. You had plenty of time to think about your actions last night, when you got them to yell and bitch at me, that was what did it. So you've made your bed, lets hope you can fucking stand to sleep in it now.
Sorry about that, it was a rant that needed to happen. And obviously I couldn't actually rant at the person and say all that, because that's not a nice thing to do, I wouldn't be sparing anyone's feelings in saying this to them...Not theirs or mine. But this is what I have decided, if they have decided I'm not good enough for their time or attention anymore, then Fuck Them. I don't need them, I have other friends, people I can depend on, rely on, care for. If they don't want to be my friend, that's their choice, but choosing to Not take them back if they ask. That's MY choice. And that is what I choose, because I can't deal with it, I'm trying to get back on track, things have happened recently that...well, they really suck, but I'm really trying to get back on track, I'm trying to lose weight the healthy way, I'm trying to ignore the voices in my head, I'm trying to not cut so much or have the constant urge to purge underlying every one of my meals...But these mind games they're playing, well... they aren't helping me in any way. I cant deal with my life, deal with other people's problems AND have the time/effort/patience to be played around with for shits and giggles. This is my choice, lets hope they made me make the right one. I love you all so much you know? Even just letting me rant like this it helps <3
I fucked up royally again.
If only she knew.
If only she cared.
I'm nothing, I am worthless.
I am 'Magersüchtig.'
^^Learnt that today in German, pretty proud I still remember it, guess some words stick with you huh?
No, seriously though, I'm so attention seeking and so fucking jealous and scared and nervous and exhausted! Why the FUCK am I SO tired?!
I need to stop messing everyone around.
I need to stop messing myself around.
I need to stop.
Life.
That is all. <3
I fell out with my best friend today.
Because of petty insecurities and jealousy.
Fucking great huh?
So let me explain or you'll never understand. My bestestestestestest friend Ever, (E), has new friends, and I'd be totally fine with that, if I didn't feel so fucking left out with her now, (Honest, I'd be okay with the fact...) I don't want to lose her because she's the only person that's actually stuck by me, but at the same time, I'm not being left out and stuff, if she didn't want to be my friend anymore, she should have just said. Maybe its just me overreacting, but I swear she has been trying to push me away (again) and I don't think I can deal with another round of mind-fuck from her. Don't get me wrong, I adore her, I adore her more than I adore myself (and I'm a vain motherfucker) I just wish I could understand her more now a days...We used to just click together, we used to be amazing, like some unstoppable force (okay, exaggeration, but we were pretty good friends, and I used to know when she was upset and what she was feeling and everything) but now...I barely know when she's in a good mood. I don't need nor do I want to have to jump around her and choose my words carefully like I'm walking on an egg shell bridge over the opening of an active volcano. I just want to be with my friend. I have to be like that enough at home, I don't need it at school too. Maybe I am being petty, I don't want her to be friendless, I just wish that for her to have more friends, it didn't mean she had to leave me behind. I know I don't go to choir (because I'm crap at singing) so I cant bond with them all there, and I know I try to avoid leaving the house (because I'm socially awkward and every time I go out it makes me think too much) but maybe I would go out more if I was invited. Its not like I don't Want to at times, its just that people don't bother with me anymore... I suppose I brought it on myself, maybe I should have just gotten over everything and been a fucking happy person all the god damn time. But I cant. I'm not one of those people, I cant lose her, but it turns out, I already have, even if I didn't snap at her today something would have come up between us...It was only a matter of time I suppose. I just, I wish if she had to ditch me as a friend, it would have been after the school year had ended. I could deal with that, but after being so close, going from best friends to nothing, its going to be difficult to sit next to her every day, to have to talk to her in lessons and at break times. Why cant I just be someone else? Why cant I be happy and bubbly and open to everyone instead of this sullen depressive suspicious person?! Maybe I just don't deserve the chance to be happy. Whatever, have fun reading this :L <3
Ew, Binging. That word itself makes me want to hurl. And unfortunately, for the past week or two, that's ALL I've been doing, just binging, I didn't even realise my body could eat this much! And its not just every now and again, oh no, that would be too simple for me. Its a full on urge to binge every time I come within like 500 metres of food. I cant stop it, I'm getting fatter, I'm getting huger and there's nothing I can do about it, my body is punishing me for crying on one of my counsellors a few weeks back. It hates me and wants me to suffer...That's how I'm taking it anyway, I'm exercising at any given moment I can and I'm actually considering going back to my purging ways...I never really got into purging, I wasn't big on it, I figured I could just like starve myself instead and then there wouldn't be a need to purge, but that doesn't work anymore, because where food's concerned, my brain doesn't get a say. Do I purge again, or don't I? I'm at a really big crossroad here and your opinions are valid and will probably be the difference between a do or don't...Let me know? <3
So anyone who's read my blog from the beginning knows that my code word for said blog when I'm talking to people who know about it with people who don't around is Ladybird. I don't even know why that's the codeword, but it is, and it works quite well actually, I even bought a ladybird badge from wild-aid to remind myself of this blog whenever I want to do something not acceptable. So you can imagine my joy at finding a belly bar on Amazon with a ladybird on a flower dangling from it, right? It was just too perfect, I HAD to have it. And it came in the post today (Yay :3) I was having a really crappy day up until I got home and found the parcel lying on the floor, I feel crappy like someone is corroding my stomach from the inside out, and my head hurts and I have SO much work to do but I'm too physically tired to do it. I want to eat Everything I see and that's not good (partly because not everything I can see right now is edible, but...) I get the room to myself tonight and that's fine and all because I'll be able to sleep, but not until like 5am tomorrow morning because there's so much work I have to do, I'm WAY behind on my revision timetable and I have homework and planning and reading and in short, everything school work related, I have to do. In other news, any of you guys heard of Pottermoore? My friend like harassed me into getting it, but its actually quite cool, I reckon you guys should get it, and if you felt like adding me as your friend on there, that'd be cool too, because lets face it, everyone wants to be friends with a Ravenclaw. For anyone amazing enough to check it out, my name on there is...RuneMahogany29812
Go forth my young ones, have fun being in the world of harry potter and stay thin <3
I have to meet one of the other counsellors on thursday, its been two weeks since I've seen him and last time I saw him, he made me cry (not that he saw the tears of course, thank you hair) but still. I don't know if I'm up for that again, I don't know if I'm ready to be drained again and made to feel...weak. I'm trying to stay happy and upbeat at school all the time at the moment, and its not working...I mean, I am staying happy and upbeat, but not on the inside, its all just a façade, I cant think for too long or it crumbles... I cant pretend to be this fucking happy for much longer. And I think on thursday, this game I'm playing with myself and everyone around me will end... Everyone around me needs my help in some way right now, I have people with issues they don't want to talk about but you know that they're hurting, I have the people who are planning on committing suicide and I'm talking them out of it, I have the depressed people who just need to talk and need help, I have the crazy people who you have to try and talk out of thinking, and its all building up to this point where I cant give them the help they need anymore, I can help one or two, but not everyone All the time, I'm just One person -.- cut me a break? No need, I cut these breaks myself, I've found there's nothing that will bring me back down to earth and off to oblivion like cutting over old scars that are just about healed... Ah well, I shall have to go now,I'll keep you updated when I can, but for now my darlings. Adieu. <3
So after re-reading some of my recent posts I've realised I'm truly a poster child for depressive-ness. Loads of them contain things about me wondering about killing myself, and the worst part is, I didn't even know I thought about it that much...Maybe I really should be in a mental institution like my mother threatened me with. I reckon it'd be fun, meeting fascinating people and getting fed drugs everyday, drugs that make the pain and the voices and the thoughts go away. But then I wouldn't be able to exercise and I'd hate that. I'm sorry I'm such a depressive cow all the time, I'll try harder to be better. ALSO, what is with the love for leather going round at the moment? Everyone seems to be wearing that god awful leather pencil skirt that hugs their fat thighs, or something leather and generally ill-fitting, I didn't think leather would be in fashion when its close to summer, I guess if people want to roast to death, we know the price they'll pay for vanity...<3
Its time for a change. Again. Time to up the ante. I admit it, I'm going soft, substituting valuable exercise time for revision. I should be able to fit both in, I'm just being lazy, its either one or the other all the time (Admittedly it is mainly exercise over revision, but still, not good enough.) I'm going to have to find some way to keep myself motivated to do both things, I mean, summer is just around the corner and I don't want to continue to look like a beached whale if I dare to step out in anything less covering than jeans and a top. I saw a woman today, with the skinniest legs I'd EVER seen. Ever. They literally just looked like bones, they were amazing, there was Nothing to them. I go back to school in three days and I'm determined to have lost at least 7 pounds by then. then I'll be down another stone, it sounds stupid, to measure things by stones, but baby steps and all, I WILL get better at this, even if I have to go back to cutting every time I eat something or every time I give up at 600 sit-ups instead of carrying on. If I have to, I'll try anything once I suppose... Anyone got any ideas? What do you guys do to stay fully focused? <3
Today, was my sisters birthday. It was my 12 year old sisters birthday and I had to talk my 14 year old sister out of suicide. That Sucked. How do you talk someone out of suicide you may be asking yourself? Well, its simple really, you tell them if they die, you'll kill them, they laugh, then you guilt trip them, make them feel bad, like if they leave, you'll be devastated. This isn't me thinking I know everything about this sort of stuff because of this one time, I've done it before, talked people off of bridges before, talked them out of their own deaths, because I'm just nice like that, don't get me wrong I'm not some fucking angel, but sometimes I may as well be, because one wrong word could mean the difference between them alive, and them dead, I'm the intermediary or something. And its killing me. Every time I have to talk someone out of it, every time I have to make them feel good, better at least, every time I have to be sly and sneaky when they come to me for advice on how to do it, I get drained. Emotionally and Physically. It literally takes it out of me. I should feel good really shouldn't I? To have saved someone's life? But I don't, I feel weak, like if I'd have just paid more attention to them then I would have seen the signs and done something about it way sooner. I caved today, because I didn't know what to do, no one wants to see their family die, no one wants to be the one responsible for that, so I called up (Fire) and told her about what my sister was planning on doing, she said she'd help, she said she'd help her, and me. And I believe her, because if I don't believe her, then I have to be willing to accept the fact that coaxing people off of bridges may be all I'm good for in this world, may be all I'm here for. I'm so tired, so so tired, and the lights keep screaming at me. The 8 children sleeping over at my house for my sisters birthday keep screaming, why cant I just be allowed to sleep for a while?! I just need some rest, some sleep that isn't nightmare plagued, its getting harder to resist the voices, its getting harder to not hear what they have to say. I don't want to fight them anymore, but fightings all I know...And I'm so tired, its almost impossible to fight them. I cut again today, because my head keeps spiralling and I needed to focus whilst I talked to my sister, I needed to know exactly what I was going to say. So I cut. Oh the sweet sweet relief I'd been depriving myself of. I thought on tuesday last week that if I could stop cutting then everything would stop...But I cant stop cutting and the voices are coming back whether I cut or not, its times like these I wonder whether I'm supposed to be alive, whether if I died, everyone else would stay living, I wonder what would happen if I were to leave everyone behind... <3
Well, its finally happened...After 5 long years of nothing, I have finally contracted a cold/flu/Ebola. My immune system is crashing and I can feel myself dying -.- My sister is being extra dick-ish to me just because she thinks she can because its almost her birthday and its driving me fucking insane. I cant go out because well I'm dying and she wont leave the room because she doesn't have to because she's a lazy shit and wont leave the house, I feel like trapped, there is no escape I'm being suffocated by her constant bitchiness and my mother doesn't see it as she's the one being bitchy, its all my fault because I'm the oldest, because I should know better. I need to escape, I need to cut, why wont she just leave me alone for 10 minutes so I can cut?! I'm going out of my mind, someone save me?! <3
I went out today. That doesn't sound like such a big deal does it? Let me explain. You see, since last year, when I came back from holiday, I haven't been able to bring myself to leave the house. At least not to meet newer friends, I can meet all my old ones easily, ones from way before the holiday, ones I've known for years, I can meet no problem. But ones I've known from more recently, I just cant do it, because I don't KNOW them, you know? But I actually went out today, I went out and met and old friend, and a newer friend, I'm going to have to get used to meeting and making new friends aren't I really, because lets face it, I start college in september, a college that's not with a lot of my old friends, so I'm going to have to go outside my comfort zone a little bit for that...I'm glad I went out, I was starting to feel suffocated in my house, in my head...I just needed to get out for a bit, I told you my mothers no-yelling thing wouldn't last long, a week and she's starting to get back into that habit again. I wish she'd just stop for a while, so I can sort my head out, so I don't always feel the need to cut, so I don't always feel the need to wonder what it'd be like if I left the world...I caved the other day, I told myself I wasn't going to bother (Fire) the whole holiday, but I caved, and I did, I went and cried on her, I went and talked to her. I'm an idiot, but whatever. I thought I was starting to feel again today...Like REALLY feel something, but no. I'm still an un-feeling, un-caring whore who toys with peoples emotions for kicks. How Pathetic is that! The worst thing is, I Enjoy it, I Live for it. I'm such a sadistic person, I don't even think I deserve to live this life right now. I got 2 hours sleep last night, I'm on day 5 and in total for those 5 days I've had...2 hours sleep. My head is starting the hallucinations again, but what can I do? I can't sleep, the nightmares are too fucking intense, I cant stay awake forever, I Need sleep apparently :L Who Fucking Knew Huh? Have a nice night my darlings, I'm going to resort to staring at ceiling its so fun -.- <3
Sometimes, I really think I just attract hatred. Even my friends cant stand me most of the time, and no, this isn't a pity party (though it feels that way most of the time) this is just a fact, pure and simple. I'm not able to do anything right at the moment, and most of the time, it feels like I'm just shooting in the dark. And the dark is very much the place I'm at right now, my life's a bit repetitive, wake-up, revise, cut, eat, exercise, cut, shower, bed. I'm literally trapped at the bottom of this big ol' hole of depressive-ness and (E) isn't helping. I adore her, she's my best friend, but she doesn't understand that I'm Not Her... Just because Everyone likes her, it doesn't mean that they All like me too. And at the moment, I can't deal with any sort of bitchiness, it just makes me snap, it literally gets to me too much. I feel like I'm flailing about in the dark with nothing to hold onto to stop me falling and I cant even tell anybody, because the person I'd usually tell, well, she doesn't really care much anymore. She's changed again, and this time I don't think she wanted to take me into this new life she's made for herself. Even if she doesn't see it, I do...It was only a matter of time really before something stupid gave her a chance to like go bitchy, gave me a chance to hate the bitchiness and give her the opportunity to drop me likes last nights left-overs. And its weird, but I've come to accept the fact that she doesn't want me in her life anymore, I mean, why should she? I'm no good for anyone, maybe I've been holding her back from the life with the popular people she's always wanted, maybe now, she can finally full-fill that desire she may have always had, who knows, all I know is, wherever she's going...I'm not invited...Sometimes I really wish I could try harder to be normal and not like me, then maybe I'd have a chance at this place she's off too, but...No point dwelling on something that can never happen, I'm me for life, unfortunately...<3
So everything's been reasonably calm in ~X~'s house lately, but everybody who knows my mother knows its because she had that CRAZY bitch-like yelling at me the other day...She's had her fill of yelling and stuff for the week, so she'll be calm now for about a week, maybe two, pretend like she's listened to me telling her to stop yelling/emotionally abusing me, then get right back to it. Everything's been calm in head a la ~X~ today too. I've been more in thinking mode than crazy-nervous-breakdown mode, its been pretty peaceful in general eh? So why is my stomach doing the flip-flop thing it does right before something bad happens? Why are my hackles up? Why do I feel so nervous? I think something's going down behind my back, and I don't like it. I need to get out of all modes, I need oblivion, need peace, need Rest. I cant sleep, nightmares, terrible nightmares, they burn in my skull all day and when my head hits the pillow...They're unleashed. Can't sleep, thinking too much, mix thinking and nightmares together you have a great stay awake remedy...Just Need To Get Away. A few hours, that's all. I'm getting fatter. My mum told me I was getting 'too thin' the other day, and I was like 'Bitch please, I'm as big as a whale, fuck you, stop acting like you care' Only, that was in my head, I just went 'oh' and let her pile food onto my plate -.- I'm squeezing exercise in at like 2am and stuff, when everyone else is in bed and I'm avoiding nightmares and thinking :L I feel like sometimes I should just...Die. Just end life here and be done with it, I reckon no one would care plus, it might be suicide but I'd be gone and no longer an inconvenience on anyone, so the end would justify the means...right? I have to go now, I have 4 hours of revision to do before I can think of anything else, just thought I'd update Y'all <3
I'm sorry I haven't written since my...not really very confidence inspired post on Friday was it? A lot of stuff has happened, and, well, long story short my mother yelled, I yelled, she took my laptop, my phone, my dog walking abilities, everything from me because I refused to roll over and die like I usually do, I couldn't bare with the yelling anymore, it got too much! And then she wouldn't let me go out and get air and I felt like the whole world was closing in on me. I was confined to a tiny cardboard box of oxygen and I just couldn't take it, I cried so much, much more than I've cried since, well since I can remember really. I just wanted to leave here to escape so...I took a few paracetamol and cut myself a bit more and flew away into oblivion for a while. I was happy then, just for a while I'd felt genuinely happy and at ease, the first time I'd felt like that in such a long time, but it wasn't enough really, no-no, so I went to the fridge and took out the bottle that was in there, I drank that, I hate wine, but it didn't matter. I went to the liquor cabinet and methodically worked my way through the contents of it, a shot of this here, a glass of that there. By 10 I was well and truly happy, and the best part was, it didn't even matter what I did, because No one was checking up on me, I had the room to myself because my sister went out and I just sat on my bed, cutting dripping blood onto paper, drawing weird pictures and finally, passing out. Fun times yeah? <3
