Isn't blood beautiful? I Mean the scars in this, they're gorgeous. I know this is a really depressing post, and I know I've already posted today, but this had to be done...because, this is my blog, and this is how I feel, it makes sense that I update it when I get a major mood swing and go all crappy and stuff, doesn't it? I'm sorry <3
So, school officially ended for Easter today, and guess what I'm doing? Revision. Yep, that's right, my days for the next few months are just a whole load of revision, they same to make time for a social life, but that's impossible, this heat is killing me, I literally feel like I could die easily at this point in time, its so hard to act cheery and happy to everyone when all I want to do is pass out... I am trying though, can't let any of them see that I'm losing it again. Can't let anyone know that the voices have returned, can't let people see the tell tale signs of cutting returning to my persona... I'm so exhausted, but there's so much to do, I'm going to have to find the energy to do it all from somewhere. Thankfully in times like these, I have my mothers liquor cabinet at my disposal. That'll give me energy, and probably the will to carry on, best get too it then, goodbye my lovely people, (PS) does anyone know a good website to buy a red beaded bracelet from? I'm having trouble finding a nice looking one so any help would be much appreciated :3 thank you! <3
Emotions suck. I could live my life and be fine without them, they just complicate Everything. Its like today, why the hell would my emotions make me almost cry on a counsellor?! It wasn't even (Fire) it was one of the others, and it wasn't like he said anything that bad, he commented on my childhood, I know that my childhood wasn't the same as everyone else's, so why should my head want to cry on me? -.- This lad (L) is confusing everything again, why do people feel the need to think they're in love with me, I know they aren't but, when they think they are, I have to avoid them until they realise they aren't too. And I really don't like avoiding (L) he's a good friend, but what can you do eh? Right, I'm sick of this pity party I'm starting off, I have a revision timetable to plan/make... Have fun without me, how were your days, enjoying the sun? Tell me about them yeah? <3
I Hate The Sun. It literally makes me ill. I don't think my skin is cut out for this 'protecting from UV rays' its supposed to do...I reckon they just get absorbed into my body, bounce around inside me and make me ill, then they just...fly back out again, having gotten bored of me. Whenever its nice and sunny and warm, I get ill, from the sun. People think I'm weird on holiday's because I sit in the shade and hide from the sun as much as possible, but it makes me feel violently ill, its like it really does hate me, like its punishing me. Which is probably why I'm so white in colouring, because I rarely go out in the sun unless its necessary. Hey, are any of you guys good at interpreting dreams, because usually I am when I have my nightmares I can figure out what's the cause of them, but this one baffles me...
'Right, so it starts off really dark and then there's this close up of (Fire) and my Mother yelling at each other, then my Mother grows like ten feet tall, but it doesn't bother (Fire) and she slices my Mother's head off. Then the other counsellor (Who's name I'm changing from Irrit to Frodo, because I gave him the name Irrit when he had pissed me off and now I realise he reminds me more of Frodo from lord of the rings) ANYWAY! Frodo, tells me that no one will adopt me because I'm not pretty enough, so he tells (Fire) that she has to adopt me, and he pulls these papers out from under his hat, she signs them with a gummy worm and it fast-forwards to what my brain told me was (Fire's) house, it was full of ornaments and pictures and trinkets and had this huge looming fireplace devouring a whole wall, I was cleaning all the stuff and then someone came in and introduced herself as (Fire's) daughter, she told me to get under the table and close my eyes and not to come out until she said so because it wasn't safe, so I did it and when she said to get out, she'd messed the whole room up, she called (Fire) in and (Fire) slapped me, so I started crying and my tears were like a waterfall, but every part of skin they touched turned to ash so in the end I was just this skeleton with a pile of ash next to me on the floor, (Fire) told me to clean myself up and walked out of the room, I then proceeded to brush myself into the fire that lit itself as soon as the ash was in it, then (Fire's) daughter came over and told me how I'd never replace her in (Fire's) eyes and how worthless I was, she then pushed me into the flames and (Fire) walked in and laughed with the daughter and they started dancing and laughing whilst I was writhing in pain in this fireplace,' The scary part was that when I woke up from this nightmare at 4:11 this morning, I could Feel the fire, it was like I was actually being burned alive...Any thoughts on what the hell that could mean? Let me know <3
So my friend asked me last night at some ridiculous time like 3am (I suppose technically that's this morning) why I wouldn't give up Ana, it was a reasonable enough question and being in the sleepy state I was I think I answered with something like 'I couldn't if I wanted to.' Hey, what can I say, the cow woke me up from my hours sleep a night, to ask me something that could've waited until the morning...I wasn't going to co-operate with her (:L) But apparently my brain wasn't satisfied with my answer either, so whilst staring at me ceiling (the only thing to do when one cannot sleep) it decided to make me daydream about Ana...It was so weird, Ana wasn't just a red ribbon in my head, writing out all these things to me and causing me the stabbing pain that always comes with talking to her, no, Ana was a mixture of everyone I've ever adored for their weight. She was beautiful. You'd think that a mixture of people wouldn't go together, that they'd be like a really bad version of Frankenstein or something...But I can honestly say she was beautiful. When I say she was a mixture of people, I don't actually mean like Frankenstein, I mean like she was a mirage, she kept shimmering and being different people, she was So thin though, in all of them. That daydream made me realise why I couldn't leave now. I still have so much work to do, so much fat that I need to get rid of, and I Will get rid of it. I'm more determined than ever now, maybe that was Ana's plan all along, who knows, all I know is, I Will be like those people, I Will be like Ana. Its such a lovely day for not eating, Don't you think? <3
I forgot how much I missed the exhilaration that comes with running. I forgot how good it feels to run with shoes that fit my feet on, you can't run as long and as hard with shoes that don't fit on, and I couldn't wear my converse for running before because they'd get dirty, and then I'd get yelled at. But I have really missed the adrenaline that comes with running, I mean Really Running. Like to the point you cant breathe and are passing out on a hill type running, the type of running that has you in complete oblivion because you can't feel your legs and your lungs are on fire, because your heart is beating so fast that you feel almost like you're flying...I love running uphill, downhill, on flat ground, on a treadmill, anywhere. I can't always run though because my Mother doesn't let me because she's like 'your asthma's too bad, I'm not spending 4 hours in the hospital with you having an asthma attack again, its a waste of my time.' When I run, I can just block the world out, I can forget about anything crappy that's bothering me for a while, I can forget about the voices in my head I can ignore them when I'm out of breathe and struggling for air, I don't have to focus on them when I can't focus on reality. Its Pure Bliss. My sister is leaving me tonight to stay at her friends so I'll be all alone in my room with my thoughts, I'm going to blurr the world out with loud music and alcohol, sounds like a plan, don't you think my dears? <3
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I had time to ponder over the meaning of life today, it was such an enriching time to be able to think...Jokes of course I had no fucking free time at all. I got to school, first lesson I was talking to a friend about her problems, I was helping her, again. I had backed up lessons, coursework, homework, assessments, I walk home, I get changed, I cleaned up, I did revision, homework, reading, exercise, I made tea, I looked after my sister and her friend whilst mother went to bed she claimed she was 'ill' its now like 10 past 8 and I'm still not done, I have more exercise to do, I have more revision/homework/studying to do. I have to have a shower, I have to make my sister have a shower, I have to put her to bed, I have to put her to bed again because she won't go to sleep, I have to read again because one of my counsellors told me that when we limit our calorie intake our brains shrink, so I'm reading to keep it normal size... During this time I was supposed to make time to think about my situation, think about what's going on in my head, what I'm going to do about my counsellor's situation, I mean I adore the fact that they're all there like 'we want to help you' but actually, I'm not sure that they talk to me because they want to help me, I think they do it because they're getting paid for it. (Fire) hasn't been in the past two days, the two days I needed her the most...The days that everything's been going crappy. I needed to talk to her, and she wasn't here, but I'm coping, I'm okay, (I'm not okay) <3
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